It has been said that when children are born, instructions are not included with them. I, however, have evidence to the contrary.
In the months since the birth of our daughter, we have accumulated enough manuals and instruction booklets to keep a small team from Ikea busy assembling and running safety checks until she starts kindergarten.
We have three strollers, each with a set of instructions save one. That stroller came with four separate manuals.
Our car seat, which came essentially fully assembled, still included a 66-page instruction book. This car seat is so durable that you can strap a watermelon inside, drop it from a skyscraper and your fruit would still hit the ground fully intact.
We have several contraptions to hold our baby at different angles and heights. Instructions are not NOT included with any of them. Thank God because these devices have multiple settings and options so they sing, swing, soothe, rock, turn, swivel and tilt in various combinations and speeds. Our early favorite, a rocker, included all of the aforementioned. We call it “The Flying Saucer.” You place it under a sunny window and your baby rocks to a soothing beat until they drift off for hours of uninterrupted nap time. The instructions for this item mimic a kid’s “choose your own adventure” coloring book because of the many options for the rocker’s final use. Other seats simply sit and hold your child in one place just above ground level. Those multipage-instruction books all boil down to one simple demand: “Place seatbelt on the child.”
We have four baby carriers/slings: two for outside travels and two for in-house use. One outside option I use to take our daughter to the park daily. This baby carrier also comes with a sleeping bag attachment to keep her warm in the severe weather; those instructions are drawn in pictures on the tag. The other outdoor baby carrier is so structured and has so much storage space that I could take my child and a week’s worth of survival gear up through the Himalayas. The manuals for that, oddly, are fairly basic and straightforward.
We have attained three high chair/table seating devices. One is an ordinary A-frame type that we use next to our dinner table. Another is a travel unit that connects to any table. The third one is a “sturdier” (according to my wife) travel unit that she assures me we will need at some point. When we reach that point is anyone’s guess. These items are a bit more in-depth with instructions on how to secure your children and attach them to fixed furniture. Well, you do eat more often than you hike through Nepal.
We also have two night-sleeping units. The master crib, adorned with all of her stuffed animals hanging from each corner, was put together in the early days of pregnancy. The instructions were many, yet straightforward enough to understand the different stages of converting it from a crib to a bed as she grows. We have a co-sleeper unit that, I’m guessing by its name, aids your child in sleeping dependent on the parents. Our daughter slept in it one evening, next to our bed, until my wife decided it was easier just to lay her in our bed. So that may be the end of that. I’m thankful. Should we ever need to explore the different height settings of this co-sleeper unit, the manual and its photos indicate I might need to go back to school for a different degree.
As the seasons have changed and the blooms kick in we have had to utilize the nose suction device that pulls the runny snot from inside your nostrils. Fun for the whole family! This is not a favorite of our little girl but it’s effective. And the pictures in the instruction book are worth a thousand words!
There are, of course, many other useful items — toys, first aid, soothers, and clothing, to name a few — that we regularly use. All are accompanied by pages and pages of words that I keep in a specific drawer. And while I prided myself on never reading instructions on home goods before her birth, I am now certain to follow all manuals to the letter when assuring the safety of our little one.
They keep us all sleeping soundly! Well, most of us …
About the author
Robert Brawley is a West Coast kid who moved out to NYC. He and his wife are the proud parents of a beautiful girl.
“Instructions Not Included” was first published in 2013. Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko via Pexels.
Buried in manuels. Uggh.
Where’s the one on keeping them asleep – especially when you and your wife are busy. I’d actually read that one.
Yes, we have MANY of the instructions manuals that come WITH the kids stuff. I still need the manual that doesn’t come with the kid!
Specifically how to relate to a 3YO neandrethal boy that is working on his anger issues, along with his father. (sign). Thanks for the post and humor. Needed for my lunch break.
Jason
The Cheeky Daddy