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My Kid’s Failing School: Punishment or Understanding Needed?

October 17, 2018 by Tobin Walsh

penic notebook study write

The timeout chair had absolute and unquestioned power in our home. Until they were 4, my kids were horrified at the thought of a timeout.

But even when the timeout chair didn’t preemptively stop a temper tantrum, it still worked magic. A two-minute sentence of silence in it instantly defrayed the tension. When you got up from timeout, the slate was perfectly clean – no ill will lingered. The timeout chair had many powers, but it had no memory.

I miss the timeout chair.

Hell, I simply miss the threat of it persuading my little ones to behave better.

Unfortunately, no such device strikes fear in the heart of a middle-schooler.

Nope, my 7th grader’s miscues aren’t as definitively corrected.

And, yes, they tend to fester.

A year ago, seeing an F on Yosef’s elementary school report card would have been laughable to me. In fact, I was caught completely flat-footed by my son’s recent academic struggles.

If I’m making excuses, I’d say that I had trust that he was performing well in school. After starting 6th grade with two consecutive semesters of straight A’s, I didn’t even bother checking his year-ending grades. Those would have clearly showed a downward slide – a ride that has not relented.

After seeing more F’s this fall, I realized my kid’s failing school. My parenting reaction followed, what I’d assume is, a normal trajectory:

My Kid’s Failing Stage 1: Finding fault

I needed to find the reason for Yosef’s academic slide – like, NOW!

Was the work too hard?

Why didn’t the teachers contact us before it got this bad?

Did the busy, activity-filled life we lead contribute?

I became quickly frustrated that I couldn’t pinpoint the problem – or the solution. The truth, likely, took in a little of these factors.

Stage 2: He loses EVERYTHING!

I quickly turned my attention from finding the cause to attempting to make my son’s life miserable. Yosef was the only “thing” I could think to blame. After all, he did this, no one else. Right?

Now that I’d diagnosed Yosef as the key contributor, I was dead set on levying a punishment that would be forever cemented in his mind when he thought about slacking off again.

First, I snatched his phone. No more communicating with anyone other than US!

Next, I pulled him from all activities. You like football, huh? It’s GONE! GONE, GONE, GONE!

Finally, I relegated him to manual labor. I hope you enjoy lawn mowing, son. And weed pulling, room cleaning, and shelf dusting … the house better be IMMACULATE!

Taking everything was just the tough love he needed. I was really parenting, I thought, for a fleeting moment or two.

My Kid’s Failing Stage 3: What is my punishment teaching him?

When I finally took a breather, I realized that while punishments had quenched the appetite of my anger, they may not be teaching him a life lesson. In fact, nothing I had done in reaction to my son’s poor grades had anything to do with academics.

A simple question echoed in my mind, “Do I have a clue about how an A student becomes an F student seemingly overnight?”

The longer I thought about it, the more I reasoned that quickly jumping into multiple punishments might be a missed opportunity.

Stage 4: I can’t take EVERYTHING away

After having a few more days to think, I decided to soften my approach. I would sit down with Yosef to plan for getting the academic train back on the tracks.

My son and I talked about being organized, not getting behind, openly communicating and how to keep on top of our busy lives. I offered my help and Yosef, finally, agreed that he could use it from time to time. He agreed for daily school check-ins before leaving for any extracurricular activities. I agreed to be more proactive, checking his progress on the school’s online system each night and helping craft a plan for the next day’s priorities.

Our chat felt good – like we were more like trusted colleagues than father and son. It probably helped that in doing so, I didn’t erupt into a screaming, short, blonde version of the late comic Sam Kinison.

As we wrapped up, together, we decided that Yosef could play football. I wanted him to stay active and social.

Understanding the need to have a way to communicate, I allowed him to carry his phone under the stipulation I checked it each day when he arrived home.

Instead of automatically signing Yosef up for all household chores, I limited the manual labor to mostly yard work (which, honestly, I hate anyway).

My Kid’s Failing Stage 5: Trying to mend the fences.

Like most decisions I make on behalf of my kids, I found myself reflecting on the parenting job I’m doing more than obsessing about improving Yosef’s grades. Part of me felt like I’d been too easy – continuing to give my son the benefit of the doubt that he hadn’t earned.

I wondered if my actions would even have an impact on Yosef’s grades and, more importantly, our relationship.

Suddenly, I started to think about working harder to stay informed for my other kids – all of whom are in elementary school where grades seem an afterthought to having fun and trying. I brainstormed about how truly present I am with them each day.

Mostly, though, I thought about having wished away my kids’ early years of limited sleep and diaper changing. I sat longing for the timeout chair to correct any wrongs and erase the cloud of adolescent misbehavior that doesn’t seem to lift.

Parenting an older child is different – requiring more.

Maybe I needed a timeout to realize it.

Photo by Thought Catalog on Unsplash

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Filed Under: education Tagged With: discipline, failure, mistakes, school

About Tobin Walsh

Tobin Walsh writes the blog The Good-Bad Dad, and is an aspiring author and speaker ... even after his 40th birthday. The Florida resident is a father of five. You can follow him on Twitter or Facebook, or contact him directly at thegoodbaddad@yahoo.com.

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Comments

  1. Dave says

    November 7, 2018 at 3:35 pm

    Rewards are always more productive and fun than punishments. Anything you son wants can be a rewards for success and focus on his primary responsibility, which is school. In my home, smartphones, later nights, movies, go karts, video games, lobster, and even bikes are rewards for a GPA > 85. My Book “4015 Days” speaks to the importance of being present for our kids, while “Virtual Immersion Drowns Holistic Development” addresses small screen obsession. I am available to speak and run parenting groups in close to Metro North MTA in NYC.

    Reply

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