Many Mother’s Days ago, when people still believed blogging had career potential and advertisers only catered to XX chromosomes, a parenting site hot for clicks published an article by a dad called “Top 10 Things Mothers Do Better Than Fathers.” It’s caused a lot of consternation among the online dad community probably because the writer illustrates in great detail about how few parenting abilities a father (the writer himself) has when compared with a mother (his wife).
That whole “mom vs. dad” thing still chaps my ass.
In the spirit of community, generosity, support and solidarity with my fellow fathers, I have written a list of the Top 10 Things Moms Don’t Do as Well as Dads. This will definitely clear up any confusion or lingering animosity as well as imbue with confidence those dads who feel as inept in their parenting roles as the writer of the original post did.
10. Play catch
Everyone knows it’s a dad’s job to play catch with his kids. Or with his sons, at any rate. Moms just don’t have the genetic catching ability. That’s science, people. Everyone knows women’s hands are made mostly of silk and crystal. That’s why they’re so much better at soft things like diaper changing. Don’t throw a ball to your mom. You’ll just break her hands.
Dads are just better at punching. They just are. They punch more things more often for a larger variety of reasons than moms ever do. Also, see No. 10 — re: Mom hands.
8. Discipline the children
Everyone knows moms can’t discipline their children. Their voices are all high-pitched and soft, and all they want to do is snuggle. Also, it’s a little known fact that moms are not biologically able to say things like “go to your room ” or “you’re grounded.” Their lips and tongues actually can’t form those phrases. Again, science. That’s why they’re always saying “wait ’til your father gets home.” Which brings me to No. 7.
7. Work. At a job. For like, money.
Dads work. They bring home the bacon so the moms can fry it up in a pan. Dads are just better suited to the demands of the work-a-day world than fragile, high-pitched and snugly moms. Don’t get me wrong: raising kids is hard work. Just not as hard as actually working.
6. Dispense wisdom
Dads are natural founts of wisdom. With all the years they’ve spent working and punching things, they’ve learned a thing or two about life. A mom can tell you how to wash your ears, but when it comes to understanding human nature, forget it. They’ve got their heads in the clouds and their noses in the Zappos website.
This one is pretty much self-explanatory. One plus one equals man, baby. It’s in the Bible, I’m pretty sure. Plus (a math term), with all the remembering recipes and shopping for the house, moms just don’t have the brain space left over for dealing with numbers.
3. Science, duh.
Moms are way too squeamish for science. Science includes things like fluids and gravity and so forth. Try explaining those things to someone who changes diapers all day.
Moms are notoriously bad drivers. That’s why the only driving they do is to and from school, playdates and extracurricular activities with the kids, to go shopping, and to pick dads up from the train when they get home from work.
1. Fix things
Moms never fix things. It’s just not natural for them. For one thing, there is the problem with their hands. Also, the math involved. Finally, anyone who spends their day kissing boo-boos, snuggling, cooking, cleaning, changing diapers and shopping would not have the first idea about how to use tools. Dads automatically know how to use tools from the time their first offspring is born. Or even before that, really. I’d say most men who become dads have known how to use their own tools at least since puberty. It’s a dad skill, plain and simple.
This is not a complete “mom vs. dad” list. There are many other areas in life at which dads excel over their female counterparts: lifting things, fantasy football, serial killing …
We offer up these 10 solely to boost the self-esteem of those dads out there who so often feel like the lesser parent. Let the healing begin.
And to all the moms out there, Happy Mother’s Day. Please don’t punch me.
A version of this first appeared on Musings from the Big Pink.
This is fucking stupid and sexist, this coming from a man
For the sake of humanity I’m hoping that this is a very ill-played joke.