Amazon Finally in a ‘Family’ Way

Online retailer Amazon will soon bow to the pressure of fathers without meaningful employment by introducing an “Amazon Family” discount program for gender-role confused caretakers of children in the United States, according to a source.

The program name that got the Mr. Moms’ panties in a twist is not going away, though.

The U.S. division of the Interest-based seller of banana slicers has been steadily harassed about its “Amazon Mom” program name on social media by sperm-donating babysitters using #AmazonFamilyUS.

The subscription-based “Mom” service offers a substantial deal on necessities for people who take care of children such as ear plugs and nipple-leak shields. Since the service is open to all people — regardless of whether they are female, male or refused service in the state of Indiana — the online protesters wanted the name changed to “Amazon Family.” For reasons that cannot be explained, that term is already used in countries where children are almost exclusively raised by mothers (Japan) or brolly-toting nannies who cavort with chimney sweeps (the United Kingdom).

Yet that’s just what those fathers with fallopian-tube envy wanted and will get, a source has confirmed.

A source revealed that Amazon USA will create multiple discount program segments based on specific caregiver relationships. These new lines will all be placed under the umbrella name “Amazon Family.” For example, a new “Amazon Dad” program with offer deals on lounger chairs and Super Beta prostate pills; “Amazon Grandma,” Hummel figurines and saggy nylon knee-highs; and, “Amazon Drunk Uncle,” blackouts and bitterness.

News of the change comes not from the retailer, but from a confidential draft of a news release smuggled out of the company’s Seattle headquarters. The draft was purloined by a U.S. Postal Service employee who said he was disgruntled about having to work Sundays to make deliveries to Amazon Prime customers and threats that he would soon lose this job to unmanned drones.

“We find segregating consumers based on their gender, genetics and those attributes they have been most easily associated with since the founding of this great country expedites the search and hastens the buying process,” Amazon Senior Executive Vice President for Simplified Labeling Ferguson Grobnik is quoted as saying in the draft announcement. “These new caregiver segments will be separate but equal programs for all you people.”

Amazon, as it has done during the entire online campaign to dump “Amazon Mom,” steadfastly ignored media requests for comment on its daddy issues.

However, others were more than happy to flap their gums.

In a show of support for his Seattle neighbors’ situation, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz announced he would stir the gender role debate further by having baristas write the words “Parent Apart” on all cups at the coffee chain.

Schultz also said his spelling-challenged, minimum-wage work force would also be required to refer to all female customers as “breeders.”

Actor and dad diapering advocate Ashton Kutcher expressed disbelief that Amazon would make such a bold move before the rest of the world heeded his call for changing tables to be put in all men’s rooms.

“Dude, I got like 50 kazillion more signatures on MY Change.org petition in a week than those guys did in, like, three years or something,” said Mila Kunis’s impregnator. “I mean – jeez. C’mon. Do you believe this, Jackie?”

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg credited the name change to her latest activism campaign #SlouchDown, in which she encourages women to slump in their work chairs to symbolize them being less visible in the corporate boardroom.

When told the alleged program change at Amazon actually hampered the movement to empower women by relegating them only to homemaker roles, Sandberg said, “You need to watch this video of Beyoncé saying I’m right.”

Dads involved in the #AmazonFamilyUS campaign were too busy raising their children to be bothered commenting on this report.