Editor’s Note: Enjoy this guest post from NYC Dads Group member and one of the trophy husbands featured on Nightline, Gregory Jobson-Larkin, as he shares the lengths he goes to get his child to n*$.
In this PC explicative, touch-screen driven, neo multi-lingual urban communicative iGeneration we now thrive in; we parent-persons have all dropped a few three lettered “N” bomb directed specifically at our toddler-aged children from time to time.
Haven’t you? Ok, if not the three lettered “N” word, definitely you’ve used the three lettered “E” bomb.
In Twilight Zone black and white, “picture this,” an all too familiar scene:
A clear pigment light fixture, precariously dangles amid a lightly smoke-filled atmosphere; an ignored smoke alarm, blares in the innocuous background; the room, strategically equipped with stainless steel technology upon granite-top surfaces, sets an ominous tone. A child occupant, sitting in a toddler-chair, glares in defiance and trepidation awaiting the plot-twist horror of YOU as “The Interrogator.” Wooden spoon grasped tightly in hand, gesturing the terms of your captive child’s capitulation you say, “We have ways of making you “Eat”… so, I think it’s “Nap” time!
It’s all too surreal, one can almost hear the orchestral punctuation, in 3D surround sound, of course.
Who hasn’t leveraged the weight of the dreaded three-lettered “N” word, “Nap”, in lieu of securing toddler obedience? Confess, own it Yo!
You “Nap Nazi,” using the secret police coercion technique of the: “If/Then” interrogative method. Amnesia? Maybe this will jog your memory: “If you Nap now. we’ll have even more fun later, ok?” This is usually said to a “fat chance” stone-faced, single-minded and determined mini-mind. Face it, children at any age are sweet, but for the record, they can be tough cookies.
Julien, our 19-month old son ‘high fives’ passers-bys, dogs, cats and other stable creatures on his red carpet, velvet roped stroller ride through bustling Manhattan street life while listening to iPhone’d Luciano Pavarotti serenades, and dealing with a flirtatious adoring public. Wow, what a life?
In my dreamworld, Julien naps undisturbed from 11am to 12:30pm, and then again from 3:30pm to 4:30pm, of which these times would vary based on:
(A) Level of physical activity, such as running through the park or just observing park nature’s-, flora, fauna and the odd, dirty left-behind candy wrapper;
(B) intensity of external stimuli, such as new playmates, pokey-fingered parents, and their unsolicited curious interactions; and
(C) Drowsiness before or after feeding times, frankly I don’t know which one is worse. Either way, it’s game over for me.
In the dreamy conclusion of my make believe world, he gets his nap on; observing it religiously, the necessity thereof for such. He quietly demands “pee pee” relief and then relieves an ample breast full of milk prior to his sweet retirement. With drink-of-choice in hand, Julien falls asleep; ahhh what a dream-life for me!
However in reality, intense kicking and screaming comes to mind regarding the subject of “Nap Time,” and I possess no lactation capabilities in these memoirs.
So, I’ve observed the following interesting phenomena that Julien exhibits, possibly you too may recognize them:
1. Sublime Determined Ignorance: “I’ll call you whatever you want, all day long, if you don’t make me take a Nap!”
2. Unconventional Collaboration: “I’ll do what you want for a sugary snack, yes; maybe even two sugary snacks..”
3. Staged Rage: “Are you watching, are we rolling film? Ok, action! And the Best Tantrum Award goes to…. wait for it… Me!”
4. The Negotiator: “No, don’t want Teddy; no, don’t want blanket; no, stop patting my tush; I don’t want lap time; no, no, no!”
5. A Made-Up Mind: “I’ll just lay here, but I won’t go to… s-l-e-e-p.”
Shush, the baby’s finally s-l-e-e-p-i-n-g; night night; it’s only 1:00pm in the afternoon, and you two have the whole rest of the day ahead.
Sweet dreams, and get your “Nap” on, parent-people!