Ultimate Family Vacation Checklist for the Planning-Impaired

We’re going on a family vacation in two weeks!

We will be visiting a tropical island to soak up the sun and relax for a few days. But don’t be too jealous. It’s called a “family vacation” because, for some reason, we’re bringing both kids.

I might get accidentally lost in the airport and send Mom and Buried alone.

Taking kids anywhere is a nightmare. Taking kids on a plane is your worst nightmare. Taking a baby to a tropical island is like someone offering you a million dollars and then lighting it on fire right in front of you.

But we’re soldiering on. And we have reinforcements!

My wife’s sister is coming along to help with the kids. (Thank God for easily transferable frequent flier miles!) Her presence should definitely make the trip much less stressful and more fun, but it doesn’t really help with the packing.

Despite my issues with planning, I’ve gone ahead made a family vacation checklist of all the stuff we have to bring/be sorry about in advance of our trip:

Family Vacation Checklist

• The baby – I’m told we can’t forget him!
• The 5-year-old – We could probably get away with forgetting him. There’s food in the fridge.
• Earbuds – I almost put these ahead of the kids. I will literally jump out of the plane if I forget these. LITERALLY — JUMP.
• Sunscreen – For the baby. And the 5-year-old. And me. Stupid Irish skin.
• Aloe – For me. Stupid Irish skin.
• Mom and Buried – I should probably move her to the top. But still put her after the earbuds.
• Auntie – To be perfectly honest, if she weren’t coming, we wouldn’t be going. She is item No. 1. I literally want to marry her for doing this. Unfortunately, I’m already married to her sister. Now I’m gonna get in trouble for saying “unfortunately,” aren’t I?
• A Beach Tent – I had no idea what this was until last night, but basically it’s a little shade cocoon for The Baby so he doesn’t melt away on the beach. I’ll allow it.
• A Flask – SO. DRUNK. Thanks, Auntie!
• An Infinite Supply of Diapers – My parents got Detective Munch his very own piece of Kylo Ren-adorned luggage, for his five pieces of clothing, four Rescue-bots, one Lovey, and 892 diapers. IT’S YOUR BROTHER’S SUITCASE TOO, KID!
• Some Clothes, I Guess? – It’s not a nudist community, so we’ll probably need a few things. The odds of me wearing more than a T-shirt, swim shorts and flip-flops for the entire stay are very slim. Besides, I can’t take up much room, knowing that Mom and Buried will probably bring half of her wardrobe and all of her shoes because WOMEN ARE PRACTICAL.
• Every Electronic Device We Can Fit in a Carry-On – Because I give a little bit of F.
• Whatever Other Junk My Wife Makes Me Pack, Probably Our Passports or Something – I haven’t spent much time thinking about it. That’s just not my jam. I’ll throw a bunch of stuff in a bag the night before and then yell at my wife when we get to the beach and she doesn’t have my sunglasses. I’M A CATCH!

Obviously not everything on this family vacation checklist applies to you. And I’ve probably forgotten a million things. But as long as I have my earbuds, I’m set.

Oh, and the kids, too. I guess.

A version of this first appeared on Dad and Buried.