Because I’m a dad, I no longer hold others’ babies as far from my body as my arms can possibly reach like I’m offering the gods a living sacrifice.
Because I’m a dad, I’m ready for Big Brother and the ubiquitous surveillance that will one day come to our society because I’ve been meticulously watched, noted, and imitated for the past 10 years.
Because I’m a dad, I know what Pixar is working on at all times.
Because I’m a dad, I’ve expanded my vocabulary to include new, obscure references to expletives or abbreviations for same (most of the time).
Because I’m a dad, I know that urine goes right through a Herman Miller Aeron desk chair.
Because I’m a dad, I feel guilty about frequently leaving my dad’s tools in the woods 30 years ago, because I now know how it feels to buy the same hammer three times.
Because I’m a dad, I fly to conferences where other dads go to learn how to be better dads. And when I travel, I often buy five plane tickets instead of one.
Because I’m a dad, I can’t ever sleep in or late. No matter what time I go to bed.
Because I’m a dad, all my old Star Wars action figures, G.I. Joe action figures, Transformers and GoBots have gotten a new lease on life. Some of my old stuffed animals, too.
Because I’m a dad, I rush to get home every night that I can so I don’t miss family dinner and bedtime reading time.
Because I’m a dad, I also drive a safer car and — even when hurrying home — drive it more safely than I used to whether I have passengers or not.
Because I’m a dad, “Bjorn” no longer means “tall Swedish dude” to me.
Because I’m a dad, I prioritize becoming a better version of myself. Or try to, anyway.
Because I’m a dad, I stop making lists like this one so I can go see what the hell that noise was coming from the den.
A version of this first appeared on Dadcation.