Editor’s Note: We’re digging into our ample archives to find some great articles you might have missed over the years. These help your stay-at-home partner tips come from 2014.
If you are a stay-at-home parent, you know you and your working spouse handle things differently. I have noticed some issues are even more glaring when the primary caretaker is, like myself, a dad — something made clear by observing other stay-at-home-dads and their spouses during my time helping run a dads group in Philadelphia.
Here are some things bread-winning spouses should keep in mind that would help them and the men (or women) they leave at home with kids all day:
1) Let It Go
You are going to need to let your at-home do things his or her own way. I know it is hard and some things are going to bug you, like that he wipes the counter counterclockwise instead of clockwise, but let that slide. Suggesting how to make things more efficient is fine. In the end, though, he will want to do things his own way. Imposing your will on him may just shut him down more. Let him figure it out and come up with a style that suits him best.
2) Don’t Nag
Nothing is going to motivate him less than constantly asking him to do something. We are aware of our shortcomings. In most cases, we try to find that balance between caring for the kids and managing household duties. If you want to help your partner, give him some time. Sometimes, things go by the wayside because we get overwhelmed.
3) Set Clear Expectations
Sit down together and communicate what you expect to be accomplished each day. Some couples think just managing to keep the kids alive and healthy is enough, but others may have greater expectations about cleanliness, meal preparation, etc. Make sure you end up on the same page. This will help cut down on problems later.
4) Help When You Can
This is a big issue with most stay-at-home parents, male or female. We know you have been working all day and you may have to work into the night as well but any assistance you give us is going to be much appreciated. Men tend to internalize issues until they build up and are afraid to ask for help because we know you are doing so much already and don’t want to start a fight. This is where clear expectations come into play (see No. 3). Tag team the nighttime routine. Ask your husband how he usually does things so you can stay consistent. That is really going to help him the next day with the kids because deviation is going to cause problems with his routine.
5) Communicate Effectively
If something must get done and he hasn’t done it, tell him in a way that does not attack him. Men, in particular, tend to get defensive when their shortcomings are pointed out. I often have difficulty with criticism because I respond better to praise. “Sandwich” the request between some compliments about what we are doing right. That softens the blow and makes us more willing to work on our weaknesses rather than just pointing out what we aren’t doing right.
6) Pencil Us In
We know you are tired (and so are we) but please — work us into your schedule because WE want to be in your inbox. (See what I did there?) It relieves stress and helps you reconnect with each other despite all the stuff you have to do. Instead, do each other.
7) Give Us Some Space
We need “guy time” as much as you need a “girls’ night out.” Offer to watch the kids so he can see that action movie you would never watch with him, or suggest he get together with the guys at a restaurant or bar to blow off some steam. You know how it is at bedtime and on weekends. Imagine your incompetent co-workers hassling you all day. Same deal. Sometimes we just want to drive to Target to walk around aimlessly without someone asking us for something.
8) Take Time For Yourself
We want you to be as rested and sharp as possible because you are providing for our family and you deserve it. If you need some time alone or away from the kids, just ask. He can occupy the kids for a bit so you can nap, catch up on work, or head out to the store by yourself. Just know that eventually, your husband and kids will be coming back.
A version of Help Your Partner first appeared on the DadNCharge blog. Photo: © nicoletaionescu / Adobe Stock.
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