Part-Time Job Conflicts with Full-Time Parenting Duties

I believe most men have a drive to be a productive part of the economy and the world. But what happens if he becomes a stay-at-home dad?

Would his ego be helped with a part-time job?

What if that part-time job became bigger and bigger?

How would his priorities and identity as an at-home dad change if he were to have the opportunity to enjoy business and economic success that can be parlayed into a fulfilling career?

I’ve had to answer all these questions in the past few years. That last question, though, I’m still working through. In fact, until a few weeks ago, I thought I had worked out all my ego issues.

Since September 30, 2016, my primary “job” has been as dad to our one son, Franklin. My wife and I agreed on my doing this until he started school full-time because neither of us wanted to pay exorbitant childcare costs or wake up at 5:30 a.m. to get our child there. We also have the luxury of being older parents (37 and 40) and were able to prioritize time with the child over money. Since my wife made more money than me, we agreed that I’d be the one to look after our son during the day.

Being an at-home parent is a huge responsibility. It doesn’t have a daily quitting time. You’re parent, teacher, coach, mentor — all in one, all the time. Added to this, my underlying insecurities of being “just” the primary caregiver had already made steady footholds into my subconscious. They helped me justify my working part-time even while raising him. It’s “good for him,” I told myself, to see me holding down this second job. It allows him to learn business, responsibility, professionalism, and finance at a young age. He sees his dad as both the primary caregiver AND a hard worker who shuns fun and games to get ahead.

But these initial justifications have been growing into something more. I’ve let myself start thinking that “if it wasn’t for my child” I’d be able to do so much more. More clients, more money, more focus on business.

Part-time job takes on full-time duties

Recently I told my wife about my plans for my growing part-time job in real estate – task lists, business expansion, hiring more employees, adding more clients. If only I keep working toward it, it’ll be mine! I’ll be a success! I’ll even be able to “brag” about how I can do all these things while I raise a child.

Then my wife stopped me cold. “What are you doing with Franklin?” she asked.

I’d been excited about all the possibilities for me, but not for him.

My wife’s question made me think of all the times I turned down business or opportunities. All the times I said “I can’t” because he and I had things to do. Do I feel bitter about that? Short answer, yes. But is that justifiable? Normal? Did I let my ego take over my responsibilities as a primary caretaker? Has my self-centeredness bled over and impacted his connection to me? Did I just teach my child to be self-centered?

That’s what my internal conflict is truly about and, honestly, I’m still processing it. How can I balance my desires, my success, my ego, and my need for societal and self-acceptance, against what my wife, son and I think should be my main purpose – being a parent in these early years?

This may seem like a ranting of privilege, of someone well-off enough to have the option to stay home full-time while the other spouse works. It’s not. It’s really about losing focus on primary goals in favor of self-indulgence.

With the limited time I have left with my son at home, I have to remember to choose him first. In just 18 months, Franklin will be in school full-time. Then, I’ll have weekdays to myself to work for the next 40 years. But struggling to get out of my own way for the betterment of a greater whole — family harmony, my son’s development and well-being — is constant for me. However, my wife’s one simple question has made me begin to re-focus on the primary purpose of my life. And, I’ve realized the greater whole of “we” over “I.”

This article first ran in 2021. Part-time job/work-at-home dad photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels