I was on the other side of the room so I’m not exactly sure what happened with Penny. I just know I saw her crying and spent the rest of the birthday party comforting her.
Through barely muffled tears, she told me part of the story before we left. Through slightly more muffled tears, I deciphered additional details on the car ride home.
She and a few of her friends were in the bathroom together. (This is, by the way, super common for them. I don’t know why women use the restroom in packs, but I do know it starts young.) One of them was, apparently, still “busy” when the mother of the birthday girl knocked on the door. When they innocently exited, she reamed them out. She made it clear that they wouldn’t be invited to any more parties ever again.
W T actual F, right?
That was Penny’s perspective, anyway. And she bawled her little eyes out.
I didn’t speak with the mother before we left. I just wanted to comfort my daughter, find out what was wrong, and get the hell home.
But I couldn’t just let it rest.
My baby got hurt and I had to make it better. I had to find out what happened, at least. I know the mom and the mom knows Penny. There had to be a good explanation.
I texted the mom that night to hear her side of the story while letting her know how distraught Penny was. I also hoped to subtly convey that explicitly un-inviting a 9-year-old to all future parties is kind of a fucked-up thing to do. (If you really don’t want her at another party, don’t send an invite. You don’t have to be a dick about it a year in advance.)
Why did you yell at my child?
The mom explained that the girls locked themselves in the bathroom because, apparently, they didn’t like the game that was being played. They were hiding in there, goofing around on an iPhone, refusing to come out even though she knocked on the door repeatedly. She felt like they were disrespecting her (and her time putting the party together) and being mean to her daughter on her birthday. It was a yell of protection as well as anger.
I followed up, explaining Penny’s side of the story as I understood it and my wish that things had been handled differently. She emailed a sincere and thoughtful apology to me and the other parents involved, admitting that she handled the situation poorly and should have spoken with the adults instead of yelling at the children.
From an objective parent’s perspective, I understood her frustration. She was, after all, throwing a party for her child, and the guests – who are supposed to be her child’s oldest friends – seemed to bail on it. She also explained that she was going through some crap with her father’s health, so under additional stress.
Let me be clear: If my child is misbehaving and I’m not there to witness it, I trust her friends’ parents to reprimand her. Not yell at her necessarily (unless she’s doing something dangerous then YELL LIKE HELL), but tell her she’s not doing the right thing. In turn, I’m very comfortable telling her friends that they’re being little assholes when they are, in fact, being little assholes. Probably not in those words, of course. But it really does take a village to raise a child not to be a douche and we all need to do our part. Unfortunately, sometimes the villagers fuck up. I suspect that’s what happened in this case.
I’m still not exactly sure what happened in the bathroom, but I know my kid. And I know those kids. And they’re all good kids. And they all take a long-ass time in the bathroom.
I believe my daughter when she tells me they weren’t playing in there avoiding the party. I believe her because she’s given me little reason not to. And, again, I know how long she and her friends take in the bathroom. Frankly, it’s a little much.
Lessons for kids (and adults)
I’m not glad this happened, but there were some important lessons. And life is all about the lessons we learn along the way. Here are a few I talked about with Penny and some she’s figuring out on her own.
- Everyone makes mistakes.
- Everyone can be an asshole sometimes.
- If you make a mistake or you’re being an asshole, own up to it and apologize.
- There are two sides to every story.
- Everyone is going through their own crap.
- Empathy is important.
- Even if you didn’t do anything “wrong,” you can get in trouble.
- Perception matters.
- Friendships can survive misunderstandings.
- Maybe don’t take so damn long in the bathroom. Seriously, what the hell are you doing in there??
Penny and the birthday girl have seen and played with each other since the incident. They’ve known each other forever, and it’s all good in the hood, water under the bridge, forgiven and all but forgotten.
Our paths have not crossed with the mom, yet. Penny is sensitive and has a long memory. I’m not sure how that interaction will go. Hopefully with a hug. Hopefully with mutual apologies. Hopefully with the parent being the adult.
A version of “Yell” first appeared on Amateur Idiot / Professional Dad.
I’m glad the mom was apologetic and you’re forgiving of her for being less than perfect.
When my nephew was 5, we were at a picnic. He came running up to me and rammed me, right in the ‘nads. I yelled at him for hurting me. I didn’t say more than that, but he ran away crying.
My sister-in-law witnessed it. I said I didn’t like doing that but it hurt and I needed his attention. She agreed I did nothing wrong for not allowing myself to be hurt. We waited a few minutes, I talked to my nephew quietly and gently and all was good after that.
I live in a neighborhood where we have 2 sets of lawnmower parents in our cul de sac, they watch the kids playtime like a bunch of blood thirsty gargoyles and they will yell at the other kids if they are playing tag and they tag their little angels. Now we have a group of entitled kids that think that they are above every one and shockingly complain to their mothers that nobody wants to play with them, but the other kids just don’t want to be around them! So, the lawnmower parents grow even more sensitive. These parents have screamed at my kid when she doesn’t want to share or play with them (my daughter is not an angel but these kids are weird too, since they demand things and have that rotten attitude “I’m going to tell my mom if you say no! Kind of thing , so sometimes she doesn’t want to play with them, specially knowing the mothers active involvement) so I had to get involved and tell the parents do not yell at my kid. Unless someone is on fire, or bleeding, or in immediate danger, do not get involved. If You have a problem, talk to me, adult to adult, not her, specially if it’s about a kid problem or whatever it is. They don’t get it. They took offense to what I said! I absolutely hate them. Bottom line, guide your kids, listen to them and help them with their kid problem by helping them find their own voice and if you need to get involved and address something, do it with the parent, not with the kid!