We live in a world where everyone voluntarily carries a powerful location tracking device with us everywhere we go — a cell phone. Most of us wouldn’t dream of giving it up. We love that “getting lost” has become a thing of the past. We enjoy being able to tag our location in travel photos with a single tap. We’ve gotten used to the luxury of taking an Uber any time of the day or night.
There’s no doubt being able to track your child’s whereabouts has incredible benefits. But in the realm of parenting, it can also create tension, resentment, depression, and some downright nasty arguments. Teenagers can feel controlled, spied on and manipulated when parents use cell phone GPS to check in.
Here are four typical mistakes parents can make when deciding to use location tracking via cell phone on their teens.
1. Secretly Tracking Your Teen’s Location
The first big mistake parents can make is starting to track their teen’s location without talking with their child ahead of time. I get it. Like the sex talk, this also isn’t an easy conversation. You pay for the phone so you feel entitled to use it however you want. There’s a strong urge to check in clandestinely and see whether your teen is being truthful about their whereabouts. But tracking your teen’s location without telling them is a recipe for disaster.
Why I Don’t Recommend It
There are two big reasons why this isn’t a good idea. First, it’s not going to stay a secret for long. Trust me, the cat will get out of the bag sooner than you think. Studies show that over 96% of teens lie to their parents about where they are and who they are with. Most of the time it’s nothing to worry about; they just want privacy and don’t feel like explaining every detail of their schedule. You’re opening Pandora’s Box if you start tracking them without their knowledge.
Second, it’s a serious violation of trust. It will damage your relationship with your teen. Research indicates that parent-teen conflict increases significantly when teens feel their privacy has been invaded. A good rule of thumb is if you wouldn’t want your spouse doing it to you, don’t do it to your teenager.
What To Do Instead
Try saying something like, “This is not about spying on you. It’s about keeping you safe. I’m activating location tracking but I’m only going to use it if I’m worried about you or need to find you in an emergency.”
Let them know the boundaries and expectations for the tracking software so they don’t feel like you’re constantly looking over their shoulder. Your teen will be more open to the idea if you explain how it’s useful for your job as a parent. Use this opportunity to initiate an open dialogue and decide on something that seems fair to both of you. Be transparent and let them know every time you use it.
2. Checking Obsessively Where Your Child Is
You don’t want to be that parent who is constantly checking his phone, wondering, “Is my kid in danger?” It’s nerve-wracking and unhealthy. Once you start tracking your teen, it can easily turn into another obsessive habit to add to checking your email inbox, text messages and social media notifications. Don’t let that happen.
Why I Don’t Recommend It
The more your monitor your teen‘s location, the fewer opportunities your teen will have to make their own decisions for their own reasons. Remember, your teen is transitioning to being an independent adult. It is good for both of you to allow your teen to experiment with their independence — even if this means your teen isn’t always 100% honest with you.
What To Do Instead
It’s a good idea to set up clear rules in advance with your teen about when it is appropriate to monitor their location and when it isn’t. For instance, you could say something like, “If you come home safely before your curfew and communicate with me ahead of time about your whereabouts, I will NEVER track your location.” Then you could explain that you reserve the right to check in on them if they are out past their curfew or if they don’t respond to your calls or texts in more than 60 minutes.
3. Using Cell Phone Tracking Over Communication
If you don’t know where your teenager is, it’s always better to ask first instead of immediately checking their location. When teens know they are going to be tracked no matter what they do, they could get in the habit of going out without permission. You might both start to treat the app like some sort of safety net that overrides the need to communicate.
Why I Don’t Recommend It
This can be dangerous. Teens quickly learn how to game the system. For instance, they’ll start planting their cell phones at home or at school, knowing you won’t ask questions if you see they are in a “safe” place. Your teen can take advantage of you and easily work around the technology if that’s your only line of communication. Problematic teens may avoid the process of asking for permission, preferring to ask for forgiveness or deal with the consequences later. Don’t let location tracking inadvertently promote this pattern
What To Do Instead
Try giving your teen some control over whether they get tracked. Let them know that by practicing good communication and coming home when they say they will that they avoid getting spied on. Enforce this rule a few times and, almost as if by magic, your teen will become exceptionally punctual and will turn into an impeccable communicator.
4. Tracking Their Location Indefinitely
If you start to rely on location tracking of your kids’ cell phones as a crutch, it’s hard to know when to stop. This can lead to a situation where teens leave for college and parents continue to check in on what they are doing every few hours. That’s not healthy for either of you.
Why I Don’t Recommend It
Your job as a parent is to get your teen ready for the adult world. When they leave home at 18, they should be completely independent and prepared for college, a gap year, or the job market. Studies show that “helicopter parenting” is detrimental to your teen’s development. Also, it’s stressful for you. Let go!
What To Do Instead
Consider cell phone location tracking of your kids as training wheels. When you tell your teen that you are going to be setting up parental controls on their phone, be sure to outline exactly how long you intend to use the location tracking feature. Explain to your teenager what criteria you want them to meet before it’s safe for them to roam free of location services. They will be much more receptive to taking responsibility if you can outline concrete steps to growing more independent.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Andy Earle is a researcher who studies parent-teen communication and adolescent risk behaviors. He is the co-founder of talkingtoteens.com and host of the Talking to Teens podcast, a free weekly talk show for parents of teenagers.
Girls on cell phone photo: ©Farknot Architect / Adobe Stock.
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