We’ve seen a lot of coverage about the recent studies conducted by A Better Balance, Boston College Center for Work & Family, and the Families & Work Institute that all come to the same conclusion: fathers are feeling conflicted by their desire to be serious about their work and their desire to be nurturing, competent, and active fathers. The members of the NYC Dads Group certainly don’t need studies to come to this conclusion, but it’s nice to have some credible research to point to as we stand up and say that our role as father is evolving.
We were proud to be included in the latest article written on the topic, written by Tina Vasquez for The Glass Hammer, Working Fathers Struggle to Balance it All: What that Means for Women. The article points out the recent research and the lack of working fathers support groups. It even looks back at a 2008 blog entry written for The Juggle blog on WSJ.com, Why Working Dads Don’t Need Support Groups. This article quotes Rebeldad blogger, Brian Reid, saying that “Dads don’t always seek support for the simple reason they don’t feel the same parenting pressure as moms. While moms may feel a societal push to be perfect, dads often are praised for whatever they do.”
First, I’ll say that I don’t know the context of Brian’s quote when he was interviewed. That being said, I don’t agree with the premise that a “societal push” is the crux of the stress that parents are feeling. Moms and Dads are stressed about keeping their jobs in a tough economy. Moms and Dads are stressed about being available for their children when they need us. Moms and Dads are stressed about getting the laundry done, about getting the kids to doctors appointments, about what their kids are doing online, about college application s– the list is endless.
For all these reasons, men and women, mothers and fathers, need to support each other to create the homes and the workplaces that will help us to resolve these conflicts and alleviate the stress. As I said in the Glass Hammer article, “I hope that our group can demonstrate what is possible for fathers, so we can build a reality that matches our desire. Studies show that fathers want to be involved, we want to be nurturing, and we want to be competent.”
The article suggests that there are no working fathers support groups — well, let me introduce you to the NYC Dads Group — a group of over 400 at-home dads, work-at-home dads, and dads working outside the home, supporting each other to be the best we can be.
I will say that as a working father, I feel intense pressure to maintain solid work / home balance, which is something I am constantly working to improve.
Having an almost 8 year old daughter that I co-parent with my ex-wife and a 4 month old son with my new wife makes family time extra important to me; however, work is what pays the bills and keeps us fed.
Managing part time custody of one child and full time custody of another is the most stressful thing I have ever done. That type of pressure is almost unbearable alone, let alone adding work pressure into the mix.
There are intricacies involved in co-parenting that are hard for an outsider to understand, especially when you see and hear things related to fears that I “love the baby more than me…”, etc.
My hat is off to fathers (and mothers) that have mastered the work/life balancing act. It is not easy…
Thanks for sharing your story Ken. The more fathers that share these stories, the stronger we become.
Good evening, we are having a rally on september 26th at the brooklyn family court on Jay st, love to have your support. For more info, please go to http://www.thefatherinme.com
thank you
I agree with your take here. In researching my book, The Working Dad’s Survival Guide: How to Succeed at Work and at Home (http://amzn.to/1PWQtky), one major theme is that working dads need to get over the notion that we stay strong and silent and that dads benefit from being with other dads.
I feel this issue is soooooo important, I devote an entire chapter to it. We need to find our tribe and make sure we make time in our lives for peer social support. Obviously, the City dads Groups are a way to accomplish this. But there are many ways, too.
Check out the excerpt and discount code blog post that went up today here at City Dads