Editor’s Note: A few weeks ago, we reported that one of our members, Roi Legar, just received the devastating news that doctors had run out of options in the treatment of his son’s brain tumor. As of this writing, Roi and his wife have made the decision to move Andrew Aidan to the hospital to live out his final days. Somehow, Roi has found the courage and energy to share his feelings about what he is going through in the post below. We said in our last post that this is a time for a community to come together, we hope you will consider supporting this family in any way you can.
For my whole life I have yearned to know more. More than the simple human life we all live. Are our lives so mundane that we are basically a bunch of Sim characters or chess pieces to God? Being told what to do and how to do it in the most subliminal way. We are taught that we have free will and choice but how can we have free will and choice if there is predestination or the book of life is already written for us. Isn’t that contradictory? We are being judged for something that we are yet to do but God knew we were going to do it anyway. Our whole spiritual existence depends on our actions that were permitted by God to begin with.
You see, herein, lies my problem with God and I think that as he judges us according to our actions that he already knew we were going to take that we should be able to tell him what we feel and how we think he could of helped us do better or how he could have done a better job. Why not? Why did he permit certain things to happen? Like my son getting cancer and pain. What’s the purpose of him suffering? If there is a purpose or plan, why not share it with us so we can feel more comfortable with the situation and then decide if we want that. That is free will! Not the illusion that we are all spoon fed or the puppet show we are a part of.
Come on, he made the perfect machine in human beings and you are telling me he can’t fix us. Of course he can, but he chooses not to. We have to roll the dice on prayer. We just can’t go to a high priced repair shop and fix the issue. Trust me, we just did and it didn’t work. Instead, we have to torture our souls to try to hope for a miracle and that is still not a guarantee.
You know, I did nothing personally to bring the Devil to this planet yet we all have to pay the consequences for his actions and the actions of Adam and Eve. God could just vanquish the devil. The devil is one useless disgruntled angel who did not like his job and decided to give it up. He is the one that went “postal”. That should be his problem not ours but he gets to continue to do what he is good at and we get the raw end of the deal. God has a sadistic and destructive side, a side that we also possess because we are molded in his image. I feel that we are pawns in a personality disorder that God has with himself. God could be both the Devil and God. He is bi-polar. For whom did Lucifer come from? God!
Listen, I do not doubt God, I believe in him, I love him and I am glad for every single breath he has given to me and my family. I just don’t agree with him in this instance. I only believe that if I do have supposed free will, I can tell him how I feel. If I can tell my mother, my father and all my other family members how I feel why not my spiritual father.
Today, well how can I put it, as parents we received the worst news ever imaginable. Our 2-year old Big Man AA is on limited time with us. We are looking forward to celebrating the wonderful joy that he has been in our lives. The amount of strength, courage, love and happiness he has demonstrated is amazing and every day we are so happy to have had him for this time.
Obviously, we are extremely disappointed with this, but as parents and friends to AA we had to make the tough decision of going this comfortable way for his sake than to try and throw more salt on his already wounded body. It was the hardest decision to make but we had to make it for him and his welfare. We always wanted him to be happy and loved. We are lucky because we will now have our personal guardian angel watching over us as we continue on this journey together and hopefully give him a couple more little brothers or sisters to look after. He will be waiting for us in heaven with open arms one day and hopefully pulling God’s ear for putting him through this. We love you AA and we know you love us. You are the best!
Roi LeGar is a former NYC Elementary School Teacher with a B.A in Elementay Bilingual Education. He is married to his wonderful wife Michelle, a Nurse Practitioner, and is father to two boys, an amazing 26 month old boy Andrew Aidan and a 3 year old Bichon Frise, Beemer Roosky. Roi and family live in Astoria, Queens and he enjoys photography, aviation, writing, hiking, traveling and spending time with the family. Read more about Andrew Aidan’s story on the family’s website or follow Roi on Twitter.
Roi,
After reading your post, I just don’t know what to say. I can’t imagine what you and you’re wife are going through. I live in Staten Island and if there’s anything I can do, please let me know.
I’m not sure if you’re familiar with the book of Job. It’s kind of the book I look to when God does things in my life – or allows things to happen in my life – that I don’t understand or agree with. There’s a whole nother spiritual world that we don’t know anything about. Apparently, there’s a spiritual battle going on and like in any battle there are casualties. I’ll be honest, reading Job when I feel like God is treating me like Job, it never helps me to feel better. It does help me to realize that I have such a limited perspective and God’s perspective is limitless and infinitely better. And also, as hard as it is to believe sometimes, God always has our best interest at heart.
I know, easy for me to say. Our prayers go out to you. I’m looking at your website now. AA is so cute. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this. I have two children myself and I don’t know what I’d do if I had your burden. I promise to pray for your son. God can still perform a miracle, who knows, maybe that’s his plan. During every service my church has, there’s always a special time where we have prayer requests. I’ll be sure to ask our minister to include Andrew Aidan LeGar’s cancer to go into remission.
John
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