Successfully blending families through a new marriage requires a lot of patience with the all issues that arise for stepsiblings, stepparents, stepchildren and, many times, ex-spouses. When blending families also means blending races, as my family is, it becomes a balancing act.
My wife is white and I am black. From my previous marriage, I have three kids who are of mixed race, black and white. My wife has two boys who are white, also from a previous marriage. This creates a unique dynamic. While many people can forget the differences they see in other races and cultures throughout the day when they get home, in a multi-racial family like ours, daily reminders instead follow us home.
With so many events regarding race and civil rights in the news these days, my wife and I often find ourselves having either to inform or comfort our kids. This is complicated by their ages. Having two children in high school, one in middle school and two in elementary school means the level of questioning and understanding varies greatly. Coupled with the multitude of different cultural influences each has encountered – from extended family to the national media, our work becomes even more challenging.
Blending families, racial understanding
The key, we’ve found, is creating an environment of open communication and emphasizing that we are, at all times, a family unit. As difficult as these conversations are, we make sure our home is a place where our kids can safely ask honest questions and share honest concerns about racial tensions. We talk about how these issues relate to each member of our family and share how we see things from each of our own unique viewpoints.
But the complexity of having such a diverse family is also one of its greatest strengths. My kids joke about the “advantages” of being of mixed race: being able to conveniently identify at any given moment with whichever race suits their witty narrative. It is also equally interesting to watch my kids’ reactions to their stepbrothers as they relate observations about race from a perspective that my kids can’t ever really understand because, as much as my children like to joke about being white from time to time, they will never have a genuine Caucasian experience like those of their stepbrothers.
Our kids are fortunate to have the perspective of my wife as well. Having lived and worked in culturally diverse areas, my wife brings a broad and informed view of many issues and is particularly adept at helping our kids relate to things from both sides of those issues. Working in a law office, she can often bring to their attention scenarios of social inequalities that our kids hear about on TV but don’t have a tangible parallel to relate to in their lives.
Blending families, combating stereotypes
As for me, I feel fortunate to be involved in the lives of my wife’s sons as it gives me the ability to provide them with a positive black male role model, one who combats the images and stereotypes they may most often be exposed to in the media and pop culture. They see my passion as a father with my own kids. They know me as a person on an intimate level. They have a daily view of a successful, responsible and educated man who is dedicated to providing for his family, and is as dedicated to them as I am to my own kids, and who just happens to be black. I can think of few better ways to give back to society than providing a positive male example across racial boundaries.
Yes, we get some looks when we are out as a family. Then again, any non-mixed couple with five kids in tow would turn some heads. But we do love to see the wheels turning in people’s heads as they surely assume my kids could be mine and my wife’s, but the white kids, probably not so much. More often than not, we will have a good laugh about it when we get home. But most of all, we also like to use those moments as openings for further conversation with our kids about race.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Sean Singleton is a husband, proud father and stepdad to five children. The Northern Californian resident combines his passion for fatherhood and design as the founder of The PopLyfe Shop, one of the fastest-growing lifestyle brands for dads. He spoke about blending families at a recent Dad 2.0 Summit panel. You can follow him on Facebook or on Twitter.
Blending families photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash
Great post! I can relate to the interracial marriage part. The having 5 kid part, not so much.
I wonder how it is for black women and white step children. I appreciate your perspective, but is imagine it being different for black women. Let’s throw that in there.
I imagine it would be different. Different perspectives and different life experiences would certainly factor into how any parent informs their kids if their world view. Ultimaetly, in a blended family of any kind, there is a need to understand, tolerate and discuss differences and experiences.
I am a white mother with two white sons and I’ve been talking to a black man (he has two sons from a previous relationship) and, I would love if something serious came out of it one day.
Also, I was mainly reading this to see if it showed the whole ‘step-parent’ aspect a little more because, I’ve never been a step-parent and the thought of it makes me nervous. But, after reading your post now I’m wondering what your wifes perspective would be in the same situation (as it would be more relatable for me).
By the way, I happened upon this article by chance. I loved reading it. Thank you for your perspective.
Luckily my wife and I share similar world views and tolerance for differences. She is willing to learn and listen just as much as she is to teach and lead by example. She shares her opinions as much as she encourages them to think for themselves and make up their own minds. She talks to them honestly about her experiences with how society sees race and families like ours. She is a great role model for my daughters.
I give some insight into stepparenting and blended families on my blog: https://www.thepoplyfe.com/blogs/news/how-to-blend-families-like-a-pro
Thank you for this article. I have been looking for information about blended families where both the parents and children are of a different race. My boyfriend and I plan to get married and soon after, have children. He is black, I am white, and my son from a previous marriage is white. Your article helped me feel less alone knowing there are other families that look something like ours will.
I am white and my wife is black. She has an older son from her first marriage who lives out of state. My two white sons (15 and 17) from a previous marriage live with us part time. I am aware that we should have spoken more about parenting difference before we blended. There are clear differences in our parenting styles. We meet all the stereotypes that comedians says about the white parent allowing kids to talk back, etc.
We live in predominantly white community, she moved from her diverse city, and she has been really unhappy in this community. Our oldest has a girlfriend who does not engage my wife, though my wife does not engage her. I tend to overly enthusiastic when kids come over, so they have no choice but to engage with me. My wife is initially skeptical, with good reason given racism, but when kids don’t engage her she deems it racism. I spoke to my son about his girlfriends lack of interaction and he said she likes my wife, but feels intimidated by her and like my wife doesn’t like her. We discussed racism and my son felt it was more his girlfriends insecurities and lack of social skills. I made the mistake of going back to my wife and saying “I don’t think she is racist”. I hit myself over the head already, because I cannot say this as a white person. Long and short, my wife is furious with me and won’t allow his girlfriend in the house anymore. I don’t feel I can take any stand on this, because we should not have someone racist in our home. However, I am also losing my son some who will chose to go to his other parents house on my time in order to be with his girlfriend. I always feel in the middle in our family situation trying to put out fires between my wife an the kids.