My wife is pregnant and we’re expecting baby Number 2 in April! I’m over the moon with excitement. And, I have some fears.
About six years ago, when my son was nearly four months old, I started blogging and documenting my daily fatherhood experiences: being a new dad, being an at-home father with few resources, and the adventures our family went on around the big city that is New York, N.Y. When my wife returned to work after maternity leave, and I was flying solo with our son most of the day, I discovered that writing about my journey was therapeutic.
For the past few years, I’ve spent most of my time creating experiences for the NYC Dads Group, helping launch and nurture City Dads Group’s across the nation, and dabbling in many other exciting initiatives surrounding fatherhood. Consequently, I haven’t carved out time to write, and I’m hoping to steal a little time back each week to jot down some thoughts and musings on being a dad-to-be for the second time.
First, let me say that I ordered a few (overpriced) cheesy T-shirts to make a formal announcement to our friends that my wife was pregnant. Of course, we called our family members and close friends when we were ready to go public with the news. However, kind of like a birth announcement, I wanted something visually exciting that we could share with our friends that stated, “holy crap, after six years, we’re crazy enough to jump back into the parenting pool.” Here it is:
Now, let me be frank. That photo is a precious and wonderful moment captured in time where I look calm and collected with the news that we’re expecting another baby. Not even close to the wild shit that’s scrambling inside my brain because our son is older, sleeps well, and has begun to gain his independence.
How am I going to get through all of those sleepless nights again ?
How am I going to manage all of the screaming and crying again?
How am I going to reset the clock and be successful in the role of full-time, at-home father with two children?
How am I going to handle all of the wild phases such as potty training, climbing out of the crib and throwing food at me? Again.
How will I be able to get some alone time with my wife while we’re juggling two kids?
How will I be able to keep my temper in check at those moments when I’ve had it?
How will we be able to live in our current home with a larger family?
How will I be able to love another child as much as I love my son?
How will another mouth to feed impact our finances and lifestyle?
Most of these are a stark contrast from my original fears and concerns of becoming a first-time dad more than six years ago: breaking the baby, finding time for myself, being isolated, and finding a welcoming network of parents to share best practices and vent frustrations to name a few. The reality is that I managed pretty well the first time despite failing more times than I care to admit.
The bottom line is that I’m fortunate to have an incredible parenting partner in my wife. I know that welcoming another member to our family will be very challenging at times … but oh, so worth it!
I’m curious to hear from other parents. What were some of your initial fears, concerns, and hopes when having your second (or more) child?
First of all congratulations on your,and your wife’s, pregnancy. As a father of three crazy kids and one angel, it’s a hard burden to bear when another child comes into your home and puts their foot down saying “I’m king/queen.” Real dads always find a way to carry the weight of their family like Atlas holding up the world. I haven’t slept in 8 years and probably won’t sleep for another 3. I have an 8, 6, and 3 year old. It’s rough but dads make due. YES you will sleep again, you WILL manage the screaming. I can’t tell you how, we all manage and do differently. Just know that there is support, I’m sure you have supported many with your blogs without you even knowing. Just have fun and continue to be a great father.
Tim, Thanks for your kind words of encouragement and for acknowledging that my days of a good nights sleep are numbered.
Hi Lance! Remember me? I used to live near Josh in the UWS and moved to New Orleans 2 years ago.
Congratulations! I saw this post and wanted to reply and hopefully help with some of your fears.
We had a daughter, Penny exactly 1 year ago, when Lucia was 3. I have to say the timing is good because now Lucia is no longer a baby it has been easier making the transition than having them closer together. I am talking about the practical things…L can be in a big bed while P sleeps in the crib, P is in the stroller while L walks, L uses grown-up chairs and feeds herself so no need for a second high chair. Lu is in a toddler car-seat, Penny in the baby one. Penny is inheriting Lu’s old clothes…actually quite confusing to me in my half-asleep zombie state putting away the laundry (“Erm, who’s is this …I can’t tell…I know it’s not mine or my wife’s…can’t see a label…”). So the practical element is sorted.
Sleepless nights. Yes, it sucks. But second time around you might be sleep-training earlier as you know it works. However, I went for my annual check up and have lost 15lbs in a year. Now, I am someone who has to fight to put on every ounce with weights and protein shakes, so I was gutted. I couldn’t work it out. The doctor nodded to Penny, crawling around the floor between us, and said “That’ll do it!” So yes, it takes it’s toll. But like I said, second time around you will be more steeled to letting them cry it out and learn to “self-sleep.”
Screaming and Crying. Let me tell you, it is a biological fact that SECOND BABIES ARE EASIER! They just are. Penny rarely cries and is so good-natured. They are more resilient and patient and able to cope with life better on their own without expecting instant parental aid which an oldest child does. Firstborn expect Dad to come running…because he always did. Newbie will of necessity be more forgiving!
Reset the clock? Be a successful Dad? Are you kidding? Lance, you are now the pro. You won’t have the uncertainties and nerves of the first-time Dads. The other Dads and Moms will look up to you as you calmly deal with the everyday dramas the way you had to you learn over time with the first one. You will be able to give all sorts of sage advice based upon YOUR EXPERIENCE, learnt from some book. And you already have your network of fellow dads and places to go…you will be able to have so much more fun this time.
Wild time? I repeat, SECOND BABIES ARE EASIER. And you will know how to spot windows for potty training and ques for other developmental stages.
Time alone with the wife? Very tough. But have a date-night maybe once a week, once a fortnight. I know couple who have taken to having two dinnertimes, one around 6 for the kids, then later around 9 for the adults.
Temper? I find the older child more exasperating than the baby, and it IS hard when they are being totally unreasonable, tantrum-ing, arguing, back-talking. I think it helps if you can set aside special time with the elder child alone with Mom or Dad so they still feel loved and not shoved aside in your affections. Trips or excursions to their favorite places.
House size? So far Lucia is more than happy to share a room with Penny. We live in New Orleans so separate rooms is not as unforseeable as it may be in Manhattan! But so far we have no had to make that adjustment. Lu insists she would be lonely if she wasn’t sharing! Don’t forget, the elder con will love the baby and want to spend time with him/her !
Love another child? I hear you. My eldest son is now 20 and for years I couldn’t imagine loving anybody as much as I love him. I just couldn’t. But when Lu was born …well I just did. That little one is a whole new person with a new identity, a new personality. You just DO. The miracle occurs…again. Call it evolution, call it spiritual, whatever. It just happens. And the same with the 3rd. Don’t forget, they are all very different people…they are born that way. You love them for who they are. Do you have a favorite parent? Or sibling? Of course not…
Finances? Well of course feeding 4 is not the same as feeding 1 and multiplying by 4. Economy of scale…it is cheaper per person to cook for a larger group. I already told you about not having to buy another crib, car seat, stroller etc. And having a daughter meant the clothes are all hand-me-downs from big sis. So the added expenses so far have been buying formula and baby cereal. Manageable.
So in all I feel that this time around it IS easier…you know what you are doing to a much greater degree. I am now looking into Kintergarden for Lu so will be that task will be that much simpler when it is time for Penny. I know which are the good preschools, the good parks, museums etc. How to strike up conversations with complete strangers who happen to have a kid of similar age…some of which lead to lasting friendships…because having a kid is a great ice-breaker.
And this time around you will have the deep satisfaction of watching your elder child love, care for and bond with his new sibling. Playing together, showing off the new baby, acting all protective when other kids get too close. I love it when I hear Penny getting grouchy and walk in to find Lucia comforting her with toys, games or just words. And the exquisite pleasure of hearing squeals of delight as they discover a new game together…
Phil – of course I remember you, it’s been quite a while and hope things are well with you and the family in NOLA. I just visited for my first time last year and thought the city was amazing.
Sincerely appreciate you taking the time to dissect my questions and concerns and address them with some tangible advice and food for thought. It’s comments like yours that encourages me why it’s so important to be surrounded by a community of nurturing parents – online and offline.
Like any job, I’m well aware of my shortcomings and areas of weakness when it comes to parenting. Upon constant reflection, I realize my countless mistakes and hopefully learn from them to be a better parent. Let’s hope I’m fortunate to have a healthy baby and go through this journey along with my wife with a little bit more swagger this time.
Thanks again for taking the time for sharing.
Lance, when I was talking about giving advice, I was saying it is from your experience and NOT from some book, as I see I wrote!
Gotcha, experiential learning and gut instincts trump books
Some of my most treasured memories of Lucia involving her learning to express herself with her friends and watching them gambolling across the park together or getting into mischief on playdates. And of course the shared bonds I developed with other parents.
You remember those moments?
Now she is older…all of 4 years…that is much less acute. By and large, she makes new friends of her own accord, at school, and I may not even know who the parents are. And this will only become more apparent as she goes into kindergarten… I will just be the guy who ferries her to and from school!
So… having Penny will allow me to experience all that again. Only with more grey hairs and wrinkles and less energy!
You will be just fine. I’m 46 years old, and I have 3 in the past four years. It’s nerve racking thinking about it before it happens, but once it does you’ll be so happy to see that new little face. All nervous feelings will go away and your paternal 15 dimensional instincts (lol) will kick in. Just enjoy the moments to come and good luck to you.