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Prison Must Be A Lot Like Having a Toddler

August 9, 2016 by Mike Julianelle

prison toddler crib
Prison break! Well, not for her parents.

As a parent, your schedule is often dictated by the needs of your child, especially when that child is young.

The necessity of getting a toddler home for a nap – as well as the need to get them to bed for the night before the sun has even gone down – can cripple your day. Being sequestered in your home for a few hours is usually better than dealing with a public meltdown from an overly tired toddler, so sometimes the trade-off is worth it. Still, raising a toddler can be rather suffocating.

In fact, it’s uncanny how many aspects of parenting are reminiscent of prison. Complete with a sadistic little warden who harbors a Napoleon complex.

10 Ways Parenting a Toddler is Like Being in Prison

  • You can’t do anything without constant supervision
  • Every morning begins with someone screaming at you to wake up
  • You’re always terrified something bad will happen when you’re in the shower
  • You’re always terrified someone is going to crawl into your bed in the middle of the night
  • Meal time is fraught with tension
  • Someone’s always watching you go to the bathroom
  • You never get to choose the movie and then it’s hard to hear it over all the hooting and hollering
  • You’re always terrified someone is going to punch, bite, tackle, stab or attack you with some kind of makeshift weapon
  • Contraband – like booze, chocolate and adult entertainment – must be smuggled in and consumed in secret
  • Conjugal visits are hard to come by, require intense scheduling, and are often interrupted

BONUS: One Way Having a Toddler is NOT Like Being in Prison

  • Being placed in solitary confinement is a reward, not a punishment

The biggest similarity between prison and parenting? There is NO ESCAPE. In fact, you often crawl through miles of shit-smelling foulness without any payoff at all.

And parole ain’t for 18 years.

A version of this first appeared on Dad and Buried.

Photo: Brujita via photopin (license)

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Filed Under: NYC, relationships Tagged With: behavior, cribs, humor, toddlers

About Mike Julianelle

Mike Julianelle is a thirty-something Brooklynite and member of the NYC Dads Group. He shares his experiences as a father and bitches about the ways the existence of his son – not to mention the myriad responsibilities surrounding that existence – is destroying his social life on his blog Dad and Buried.

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Comments

  1. Dimitrios Giouzepis says

    August 15, 2016 at 4:35 pm

    Very funny.

    Reply

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