Actually, there’s no “kind of” about it. My baby is a total jerk. Just look at how he acts if you need to know why I think that.
Liam screams for boobies like a drunken frat boy and shits himself while wailing incoherently. I know we all have had benders but, come on, it’s been at least a year since I have done anything like this.
He hates being changed. Hates it. He screams “DON’T TOUCH MY JUNK!” Then again, the first time somebody got near that area he ended up circumcised, so you can’t blame him for having issues.
Liam poops a lot. So he rages often. And then demands to be fed so he can poop some more. And rage against being changed. Which works up his appetite. So he eats more which causes him to poop yet again. He never allows sleep to interrupt this cycle.
His poop noises are hilariously absurd. It is hard to believe a baby is capable of such loud emissions. I constantly doubt the noises I hear are Liam. Instead, I go to the window to look for the truck that just backfired.
At work, my fellow laborers and I have a weekly competition for the Brown Belt. Odor, noise level and vibratory resonance are the determining factors in judgement. Artful delivery is also considered. Not to put too fine a point on it but many contenders prepare by eating nothing but chili the previous day. I had thought myself well armed before I met these guys. I have yet to win a Brown Belt. Those who know me will find this hard to believe.
Liam can defeat all Brown Belt Champions in noise and vibrations and especially odor. He can do all of this while sucking on boobies so he nails artistic delivery as well.
He is not genteel during feeding. He slurps loudly and paws the boobies in a way that would get me slapped at the very least. Even if they ARE my wife’s boobies. Especially if they’re my wife’s boobies, actually.
As far as I can tell, he’s riding on his looks. My wife, Robin, is all enamored with him but I am a little more suspicious of the little jerk. After all we don’t know anything about the guy and we are supposed to just live with him? Shouldn’t there be an interview at least? I couldn’t find anything about him online. What’s he hiding?
He is a terrible roommate. He is rude, inconsiderate, loud, parties all night and is always complaining about something. Not to mention his obsession with my wife’s boobies.
A friend of mine posted a cute meme on my Facebook wall the other day that sums up our sleep patterns. To paraphrase; to “sleep like baby” it is assumed, is to sleep peacefully all night long. What it actually means is you wake up screaming every couple hours because you shit yourself. And now I’m hungry!
Still, there is no denying that he’s pretty cute. Cutest thing ever actually. And right when we are ready to scream with frustration, he smiles.
D’aawwwwwww haaaaaaa haaaaahaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwww!
I love him SO much, and can’t imagine life without him. But he’s still a jerk.