The interview series continues with an-home-dad living in Guadalajara, Mexico. Here is another caring & involved father sharing his honest accounts of the at-home-dad role. I believe these interviews enable other dads (and moms) out there to hear some of the truths about this growing trend. Here is a “spotlight” on David (pictured above), father of two toddler boys, Gavin and Quinn. Originally from the San Francisco area, he has been home with Gavin since he was born, first in Argentina then for the last 2+ years in Mexico. NYC Dads Group member, Jeff G., was responsible for connecting David & I for this interview. Jeff said that “I’ve enjoyed listening to David detail the joys and tribulations of raising kids overseas, and I’ve called him many times for advice. I imagined him as being, to borrow something from the New Yorker, our “far flung” stay at home dad – Contrasting his experience with the NYC experience would be interesting for other dads to hear.” I completely agree with Jeff, so Below is the Q&A between David & I.
1. How did you come into your role of being an at home dad?
My wife became a US Foreign Service officer back in 2004. We were sent to Buenos Aires. The year before I had left teaching high school and started a job as a curriculum director for a high school in San Francisco (where we are from). For 15 years I had defined myself by my profession, “teacher.” As a curriculum director, I enjoyed the far more relaxing workday but I missed the day-to-day chaos of classroom instruction. So I was excited to try this new life as the spouse of a diplomat.
After the first year in Argentina, I found that beyond studying Spanish four hours a day, walking the dog, also four hours a day I was pretty bored.
So by luck, or divine intervention, my wife became pregnant with our son.
So then the question of defining myself became a whole lot easier. That was 2005. Since then we have had our second son. We now live in Guadalajara, Mexico. In Argentina I was lucky to have a maid in the house five days a week, plus she acted as a stand-in nanny and babysitter. In Mexico, hired help is in fact more expensive than the US if you are seeking qualified domestic help that includes being a nanny. So I am pretty much on my own to run the show, which is a challenge in that cleaning and organizing can become my preoccupation over playing with the boys or giving them something constructive and fun to do.
After the first year in Argentina, I found that beyond studying Spanish four hours a day, walking the dog, also four hours a day I was pretty bored.
So by luck, or divine intervention, my wife became pregnant with our son.
So then the question of defining myself became a whole lot easier. That was 2005. Since then we have had our second son. We now live in Guadalajara, Mexico. In Argentina I was lucky to have a maid in the house five days a week, plus she acted as a stand-in nanny and babysitter. In Mexico, hired help is in fact more expensive than the US if you are seeking qualified domestic help that includes being a nanny. So I am pretty much on my own to run the show, which is a challenge in that cleaning and organizing can become my preoccupation over playing with the boys or giving them something constructive and fun to do.
2. What is the best part of being an at home dad?
I grew up with a Navy dad. So I have spent more time with the boys these past four years than my dad was able to for my first fourteen. Now that my youngest is entering the toddler-tumble phase, the three of us are able to wrestle around and play together. We are lucky to have a garden in the back where we can play with balls, tents, cars and trucks, and all other things that result in tackling, tumbling and crashing. Strangely this sort of play was not something I encouraged! My wife and I marvel and wonder at how it happened to become this way. I also wonder why they never jump on and tackle her?
3. What is the most challenging part of being a stay at home dad?
4:30 pm to 6pm is the most challenging! At that time of day I am running out of steam! Coffee is not a good idea because it will only make me edgy and keep me up later in the night. My wife won’t be home for another 1-½ hours, if she doesn’t have a function or reception that night; in which case there will be no relief before dinner-bath-bed at 8pm. Both the boys need a nap but the chances are slim they will take one. Dinner needs to start. If I were to plot “the timeout” periods for my oldest they probably occur during this time period. If I were to chart the number of times my toddler climbs up a bookcase or pounces on the Labrador to forcefully, it would be this time period too.
4. Everyone has tips. What kind of tips or best practices can you share about being an at home dad?
My motto has become- “It is not the destination but the path and process to attempt to get there.” I have always been the person to make a list or an itinerary and complete it. My professional life was writing lesson plans with goals and objectives and final assessments. Now I have had to learn (for the sanity of myself and the boys) that plans are made to change. When we go to a pool it doesn’t necessarily mean we have to get in the water! If we have gone to the park so as to walk to the duck pond in order to feed them, and suddenly a squirrel has detoured the plan, it is okay that we never get to the ducks! And give everything to the squirrel. And finally the best laid menus for breakfast, lunch or dinner usually end up on the floor for the dog, or are left uneaten (after sampling, which must occur before rejection of my loving art) and replaced with yogurt and Cheerios. I now realize that they will not die of malnutrition or that the love I put in the gruel is equal to opening a package of a pre-portioned yogurt pack.
5. Many of us at-home-dads in NYC use our group as a support network. What types of resources, support groups, parent & me classes do they offer for dads in Mexico in the way of support?
The shocking truth is that there are no such groups or support. Mexico is a very closed and class conscious society. Playgroups do not exist outside of going to your cousin’s house. Support networks are usually grandma’s house and your brothers and sisters (old or young). Life in the diplomatic corps is also a very traditional environment as well. At present there are no other stay-at-home dads stationed here at the US Consulate. Most US Foreign Service officers are men with traditional wives who run the domestic endeavors. Luckily, we enrolled my son in a Montessori school where I have found a group of parents who have become friends and are very helpful in infinite ways.
6. What is the reaction that people give you when you walk the streets in Guadalajara, Mexico? Encouraging? Negative?
The reaction varies depending on the person. Machismo reigns supreme, overtly, as well as in cultural innuendo. My wife has had an easier time being understood by businessmen in the world of trade and commerce than I have had in the world of children and homemaking. My male friends commend me but they really have no idea what it is like to be the primary parent in the day-to-day of raising children. But to be fair, I am not certain that most families in Mexico have the opportunity that my wife and I have been afforded. When my son started Montessori (I was later told about this by friends) other mothers would literally stop their cars to watch this father pick up his son and walk home with him. It was unheard of! Two years later, I see one or two fathers picking up their kids from school. We live in a “gated community” and all of our neighbors have live-in maids and nannies. So when they see me outside sweeping the carport and washing the car with my sons as they pretend and play wash and sweep, we are given long stares of interest. Tapitíos (the name for Guadalajarans) are very friendly and accommodating people, and although they find our family out of the ordinary they tend to be encouraging because, in my opinion, we are foreigners. My role here has opened my eyes to exactly what it must have been like for the 1950’s housewife who had been liberated and afforded new social roles during the war years; only to have to return to a second class status after V-Day. I- of course- never had a second-class status in the US and I don’t really have one here, but I do have to endure a level of machismo that considers me only a second-class man in the eyes of some people.
7. Are you able to pursue your hobbies or part-time work while being the primary caregiver to two kids?
Part-time work really is not worth the loss of quality family time I have gained being a stay-at-home dad. My wife’s career has given us a chance to be better parents than we would have been able to be in San Francisco. We would have been dropping them off at day-care for eight hours a day, five days a week. For now, I have not been able to pursue hobbies. Most of my free time is spent catching up on laundry, dishes and such. After a full day of chasing after two boys and when things quiet down- I must admit- I find myself staring off into the distance for moments too exhausted to think or move. My last year in Argentina, I did write a cookbook (as of now one submission with one denial). It is an anecdotal account of cooking for my wife during her pregnancy and the year after post-partum. There is a chapter on purées for babies along with the successes and failures that go along with feeding a baby. Once again in Argentina (because we had the maid/nanny) I trained and ran the Buenos Aires Marathon. For the last year I have been lucky if I read a few pages late at night or complete seven interview questions in an e-mail. I am hopeful, however! My youngest has begun to sleep almost an entire night, therefore my short-term memory is beginning to return and we will be moving to a new post in eight months that will bring about a whole new adventure for us.
David expressed that he would really enjoy hearing some comments from other parents about his experiences. Please share them…
The truth revealed, finally! I knew cheerios and yogurt were the only thing s kids really ate! I thought it was just me, gasp, relief. Great interview!
Great connection with our Stay at home Dad to the south. Great interview and having done much traveling to Latin America myself, I can clearly see the Machismo and understand the feeling of existing as a 1950’s housewife. Wild. I feel bad some eyes consider him a second class citizen.
I am glad to read he has a nice group of parents/friends from the Montessori school. Also, being able to create your own fun is very important; creativity and resourcefulness,
David brings up the “tip” of being flexible, keeping the kid(s) learning and having fun. This is key. Simply put: It’s no longer about you anymore… is important and healthy to understand and embrace.
Gracias David…
I wouldn’t say they give me the second class citizen status, but some consider me a “second class male.” To many I am in such an unorthodox role as a stay at home dad that they have a difficult time taking me seriously. The best comparison is the career woman from 1950 to 1980. Many men- and women for that matter- considered the career woman as “a pretender” who was possibly in avoidance or denial of her “correct” role. For me it is the reverse; my “correct” role is to be the career job and chief financial provider.
Thanks for the good words, Patrick.
Peace,
David
Great interview and great words from David !. I’m from Mexico (Veracruz,East coast) and I’m totally agree with your comments. I can tell you that none of my “macho amigos” in Mexico do the amazing things as “Papa” or have the chance to join a Dad’s group like the one here in NYC….Not that I grew up in a different world or that my Dad did not do his “homework” (that’s not my case 100% sure), but Yes, being Dad in Mexico is different.
Mucha Suerte David y Gracias !
Armando