Getting Beyond Shame and Humiliation

I recently looked at my 3-year-old son, his innocent smiling face whose only desire is to be loved, and tried to figure out how anyone can be physically harmful to a little child.

My son’s primary goal in life appears to be pleasing me and my wife. Everything he does, every discovery, even every failure, is in pursuit of our approval. How could anyone raise a hand in anger to such devotion?

Then I thought of those parents who abuse their children in other ways, ways in which the wounds are not visible, but last a lifetime.

Through shame.

A photo went viral recently, the latest in a frightening trend of parenting via public humiliation and shame.

A father, upset that his toddler had defecated in the shower, posted a photo of her with a sign, with her face in full view. The sign read:

(It is signed with a scribble.)

A segment from the Today Show asked, “Is this cruel or cute?”

I think the answer is obvious.

This is an act of child abuse. Shaming and humiliation are never an answer and fail, utterly, to teach anything other than shame and humiliation.

Children are constantly learning – they learn from the behavior of those around them. What lessons did this child learn? Not only did this father undercut the learning process of potty training by reinforcing that poop is gross and he, as dad, is above cleaning after his toddler, he undermines the entire learning process of his child by instilling a belief that any mistake will be met with shame and public humiliation – especially in the most fragile and vulnerable time in a child’s life.

We are currently going through the hell that is potty training. It is a mess. We expect a 2- or 3-year-old child to know how to recognize their body’s internal signals, race to the bathroom, turn on lights, get undressed, get situated, all the while holding what’s trying to come out, clean themselves up afterward …

A toddler.

I know adults who, after a couple drinks, can’t do this.

Initially this caused a great deal of concern and frustration, but we had an epiphany: this is about him learning a skill. It’s not about us.

Our job is to guide and encourage him. We empowered him and within weeks he was disappearing into the bathroom and announcing to the world his successes. (We still have to help clean up … I doubt the cleaning of poop, literal or figurative, will ever end.)

And you have to do it with a smile, a hug, and a great deal of positive energy and encouragement.

Simple? Yes.

Easy? No.

This is the template for how you handle every learning experience your child will encounter.
You can face it with shame, humiliation, anger and judgment, or you can face it with love, compassion, understanding and encouragement. The choice is yours.

And that is the most important lesson you can pass on to your child.

About the author

Christopher VanDijk is an actor, award-winning screenwriter and – most importantly – a stay at-home dad. He recently migrated from New York City to Denver. He blogs for the Huffington Post and at Skinned Knees in Short Pants. His Twitter handle is @skinned_knees.