I recently looked at my 3-year-old son, his innocent smiling face whose only desire is to be loved, and tried to figure out how anyone can be physically harmful to a little child.
My son’s primary life goal appears to be pleasing me and my wife. Everything he does, every discovery, even every failure, is in pursuit of our approval. How could anyone raise a hand in anger to such devotion?
Then I thought of those parents who abuse their children in other ways, ways in which the wounds are not visible, but last a lifetime.
Through shame.
A photo went viral recently, the latest in a frightening trend of parenting via public humiliation and shame.
A father, upset that his toddler had defecated in the shower, posted a photo of her with a sign, with her face in full view. The sign read:
“I pooped in the shower and daddy had to clean it up.
I hereby sign this as permission to use in my yearbook senior year.
Mia”
(It is signed with a scribble.)
A segment from the Today Show asked, “Is this cruel or cute?”
I think the answer is obvious.
This is an act of child abuse. Shame and humiliation are never the answer. They fail, utterly, to teach anything other than shame and humiliation.
Children are constantly learning – they learn from the behavior of those around them. What lessons did this child learn? Not only did this father undercut the learning process of potty training by reinforcing that poop is gross and that he, as a dad, is above cleaning after his toddler, but he also undermines the entire learning process of his child by instilling a belief that any mistake will be met with shame and public humiliation – especially in the most fragile and vulnerable time in a child’s life.
We are currently going through the hell that is potty training. It is a mess. We expect a 2- or 3-year-old child to know how to recognize their body’s internal signals, race to the bathroom, turn on lights, get undressed, get situated, all the while holding what’s trying to come out, clean themselves up afterward …
A toddler.
I know adults who, after a couple of drinks, can’t do this.
Initially, this caused great concern and frustration, but we had an epiphany: this is about him learning a skill. It’s not about us.
Our job is to guide and encourage him. We empowered him and within weeks he was disappearing into the bathroom and announcing to the world his successes. (We still have to help clean up … I doubt the cleaning of poop, literal or figurative, will ever end.)
And you have to do it with a smile, a hug, and a great deal of positive energy and encouragement.
Simple? Yes.
Easy? No.
This is the template for handling every learning experience your child will encounter.
You can face it with shame, humiliation, anger and judgment, or you can face it with love, compassion, understanding and encouragement. The choice is yours.
And that is the most important lesson you can pass on to your child.
About the author
Christopher VanDijk is an actor, award-winning screenwriter and – most importantly – a stay-at-home dad. He recently migrated from New York City to Denver.
Shame photo by © zoeytoja/ Adobe Stock.
Leave a Reply