I know classes just started. I know it’s an exciting time for you and for your small child. But please, please, pretty fucking please, stay in your proper school pick-up line.
I know it’s tough … I’m sympathetic to your pain. I’m in the line, too.
Thing is, we’re all in line. So get your ass where it needs to be and inch forward like everyone else. Thumbs up emoji!
Here’s a suggestion: Tonight, talk to your family about which line you’re in and how you get into it. We were all supplied a diagram of the two lines: the drop-off and the pick-up lines. People love diagrams. Draw a new diagram for your family if you need to. Especially for the grandparents. In fact, you should tape up a diagram inside their car, because they’re ancient and forgetful. I’m just looking out for you here.
Because tomorrow, no matter how many of us are on the same page, someone is going to drive their happy ass against the traffic down the ONE bit of parking lot that we’re not supposed to drive through. It will cause chaos. People will start backing up. And if you’ve ever seen people back up while in a line, it panics everyone. People start waving each other on, reverse lights go on and off, cars do that OMG BRAKE thing that gives you instant whiplash. I don’t want instant whiplash. If you reverse while in line, you are going to hit me. I will sit there and continue to play Marvel Puzzle Quest on my phone as my car folds around me. Your car is worth more than my 2012 Nissan Versa. This will not end well for your insurance. I will wear a neck brace in court. And I’ve practiced crying on command.
So please, don’t be the one that starts the domino effect, and don’t be the one that ends it by shredding through my car.
If you see a line of cars and you’re driving the other direction, you’re in the wrong. The 40 people in the school pick-up line aren’t wrong – you are wrong. We know you have to get back to work. We know you don’t want to wait. We know that your little snowflake is more special than our little snowflakes. We got the memo in print and via e-mail.
Also, while I got you here, you should know that — yes — we all see the line of parking spots directly in front of the school pick-up line. DO NOT PARK IN THOSE SPOTS, GENIUS. YOU WILL BE BOXED IN.
Again, we all understand that your daughter has a dentist’s appointment (WOW — does she need it). You just want to “get in and get out,” and these eight parking spots look so tempting. But this isn’t going to end well. It’s faster in the line if we all respect the line.
Respect the school pick-up line and it will respect you. Grow up. It’s time to stop raging against the machine. We are the fucking machine. We are our parents, so sit in line and let that sink in a little. This is our lives for the next eight to 12 years, ending one car length at a time.
A Concerned Parent
A version of this first appeared on 8BitDad.