An old-fashioned family Thanksgiving, in all its festive splendor and pageantry, will soon be upon us as will all the relatives you have been blocking on Facebook since the 2020 presidential campaign. Thanks, vaccinations and unplanned natural immunity!
If there was ever a Thanksgiving to hide the silverware, this might be it. Oh, America – wondrous country of purple mountains majesty and amber traffic lights we routinely run – how could you be ingenious enough to invent pizza-stuffed pizza crusts yet be unable to guarantee us all a safe space around the family dining table every fourth Thursday in November?
So before we sit down to stuff ourselves silly on dead beast and bloated opinions about critical race theory, let’s set some ground rules for a less contentious family Thanksgiving:
- As previously mentioned, stow the silverware, preferably under lock and key. This includes all carving devices. No plastic cutlery or breakable ceramic dishware, either. Cook and slice everything before family arrives. Serve up nothing but the softest of finger foods on damp paper towels. Two words the kids will love to hear: dippin’ gravy.
- Glassware can shatter and create sharp edges, perfect for making a point about mask mandates. So lock them away for the day along with opinions on Marjorie Taylor Greene and Dr. Fauci.
- Don’t even think about serving alcohol. This year, it’s nothing but tap water in waxed paper cups. This will make our delicate ears less likely to endure unsavory conspiracy theory rants about space lasers and the antiviral powers of horse dewormer in humans.
- Place family members with opposing viewpoints on opposite ends of the table. As a buffer, seat the kids in the between. If you need even more buffer space, add inflatable yard decorations.
- Avoid holiday table decorations that may instigate heated historical discussions by referencing any of the following: pilgrims, indigenous peoples or the Dallas Cowboys.
- In addition to eschewing political and medical discussions, avoid the other usual topics that create divisive feelings among family members: religion, sex and the New England Patriots.
- Speaking of football, just avoid the day’s games lest a fight starts over players kneeling for the National Anthem.
- Skip the pre-meal blessing to avoid someone being tempted to take a knee during it.
- What to do for entertainment without football? Stick with the mind-numbing balloon banter and lip-synching banality of Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Chase with repeated viewings of The National Dog Show because who doesn’t love a prancing Lhasa Apso?
- If you pursue that last route, don’t invite over your third cousin, the crazy cat lady.
- Just skip the TV altogether. Take a long family walk to burn off those excess calories and pent-up rages about “patriotism versus insurrection.” Caution: Scour the course beforehand to make sure it doesn’t venture past any health clinics, gun shops or Chick-fil-A stores.
- In case none of these measures helped, conclude the gathering by setting a generous slice of pie in front of the most objectionable attendee. Top with a heaping amount of whipped cream. Then smash it directly into the idiot’s face.