Growing up, when I asked my parents what they wanted for Christmas gifts, they always made a (sad) joke out of it. They knew my brothers and I didn’t have any money, so they didn’t bother asking for anything real, like a new car, or a box of Cuban cigars or a new furniture set.
Instead, they used Santa the way someone might use a genie: by asking my brothers and me for things that were abstract, theoretical and totally unattainable. Just to make a point. They’d make requests like, “for you and your brothers to get along” or “a little peace and quiet” or “for you to behave.” Just totally insane shit that would never happen in a million years.
Now that I’m a dad, nobody ever asks me what I want. But if they did? I’d reply exactly the same way as my mom and dad. Because I was wrong; they weren’t joking.
25 Christmas gifts every mom and dad want
- More sleep
- Some sleep
- Half a nap?
- Fine, a prolonged series of slow blinks
- NO MORE EFFING LEGOS
- The world’s strongest vacuum-cleaner
- Fewer tantrums
- Fewer tantrums in public
- A lifetime supply of booze
- A lifetime supply of aspirin
- NO MORE EFFING PLAY-DOH
- Better kids
- Quieter kids
- Smarter kids
- Fewer kids
- A nanny
- NO MORE PERMANENT MARKERS
- A maid
- More batteries
- Less batteries
- A tiny indication that the kid heard what I said?
- Whatever, just give me a scarier voice
- A vasectomy
- And a long enough life to see my grandkids exact revenge
A version of this first appeared on Dad and Buried.