November is the month of thanks. We should be thankful more than one month a year (just as we should celebrate Black History, Hispanic Heritage, Women’s History, etc. more than one month a year); however, because it is the month that Thanksgiving falls in, my Facebook feed has been littered with people writing daily updates of the things for which they are thankful.
I don’t have a problem with this. I love it. But for every thankful status there is another saying that those are obnoxious. So instead of making a list of what I am thankful for, I have constructed an “ungrateful” list. Specifically, nine things I am ungrateful for. Using a bit of reverse psychology, I think this list will actually increase my appreciation of what I have already.
9. Changing stations in the “Accessible Bathroom Stall”
Men’s bathrooms are awkward enough, but when you have to change a diaper in a previously used stall? That ain’t fair. You have to hold your breath while breaking diaper-changing speed records, all the while avoiding touching ANYTHING. And the changing station sanitary covers? They are ALWAYS gone.
I’m sorry, but I see no redeeming quality in this show. The kid whines for 30 minutes. It seems more like torture than entertainment.
7. Stroller height
For someone who is slightly above average height, the task of pushing a stroller can sometimes be an arduous task. The handles usually sit right below the waist. I don’t like that. I would love to be able to rest my elbows on the bar. I dunno, maybe I am just being lazy here.
6. Toys, at kid height, in the check-out aisle
I get it, marketers. You are brilliant. If the kids can reach it, the chances rise exponentially (statistics term) that that item is going home. I think as payback, the individual who placed the items there should have to ride home with my kids after I tell them “no.”
5. Petting farms
Shhhh. I know people love animals. I know they can be cute and cuddly. I know kids are deeply intrigued and humored by them, but I am ungrateful for them. Animals roll in dirt. They eat poop. They lick themselves. There is no amount of hand sanitizer that can quell the anxiety in my system when the kids start running around Old McDonald’s Farm.
4. Handwash-only dishes
There is absolutely nothing worse than purchasing a new mug, cup, sippy thing that needs to be handwashed – except the type that you have to remove the straw or lid AND handwash it, but the cup can go in the machine. What’s the point of having a dishwasher if so many dishes need to be done by hand.
3. Round shoelaces
Yes, I know that they “look” better, and they come in sorts of colors and designs. However, these shoelaces seem to untie faster and more frequently than their predecessors.
2. Movie trailer clips that aren’t in the actual movie
How many times have you seen a movie trailer with a really funny scene, or action clip that takes your breath away … only to find it isn’t actually in the movie. Deleted scenes do not belong in movie trailers.
1. Grocery stores that use fewer than half of the available check-out lanes.
I hate waiting in line. I hate waiting in line in one of those huge grocery stores when there are only two lanes open and a dozen or more empty, desolate, abandoned lanes that seem to simply laugh with disdain at my impatience. Why build 24 lanes and only routinely use so few? It is an outcry. It’s unfair. It’s impractical. And don’t get me started on those “self-serve” lanes that never seem to work.
OK, let’s be real. If these are the worst problems that I have, then I am probably doing pretty well. As fun as it is to come up with an “ungrateful” list, the truth is I am pretty grateful for the life that I have, my family and friends. Peace, all.
A version of this first appeared on Tales from the Poop Deck.