Parents have more stuff than ever to make their lives easier, but some common-sense items still need to be invented … soon!
Sure some of this stuff might be as likely as hoverboards to come along soon, or it might not pass all the safety tests, but it would restore sanity to busy parent’s lives. Something must be done, so here is my list. Borrow it, steal it, share it, whatever you do — just invent one thing off here and you will go down in parenting folklore as a hero.
Parenting Tools 1: Shirts With Spit-Proof Shoulders
How many times have you left the house with spit up, food, or saliva stains on your shoulder?! In fact, I now judge the cleanliness of my shirts just based on the collection of spots on the shoulders. C’mon, fashion designers, can’t we make some baby-proof teflon fabric already?
Parenting Tools 2: Diapers That Actually Work
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t trap poop in a diaper? I feel as though there is a hidden tunnel in there specifically to channel poop up my baby’s back. How do babies pull of the trick of getting it up to their armpits without much actually landing inside the diaper anyway? Sure, your kid looks cute but transfer them to solid food and you might need a hose in the nursery to wash that crib down.
Parenting Tools 3: Pacifier Adhesive
There have been times I have looked longingly at duct tape and thought it would solve all of my pacifier problems. Can’t we have just a little nontoxic pacifier glue? I know, I know, there are all kinds of problems with this but an exhausted parent can dream right?
Parenting Tools 4: Kid-Sized Hamster Feeder Water Bottle
I guarantee with a kid-sized hamster feeder water bottle, bedtime will be 300 percent more enjoyable. The kid needs water? They just reach up to the wall mounted gigantic upside down water bottle and all is right with the world. Sure it would look ridiculous, but just think how much more entertaining Instagram would be with all those pictures. #KidsWithHamsterBottles
Parenting Tools 5: Velcro Onesies
Another no-brainer. Onesies with snaps were designed by the devil himself. They should be illegal in all 50 states. I think being a zipper and Velcro only country would stop half of all parent meltdowns. Point me in the direction of the store that sells these first and I will spend whatever it takes. They could even have a “Snaps Onesie” exchange program where you can trade in your vile snaps for the ease of Velcro. I might just cry tears of joy instead of tears of frustration.
Parenting Tools 6: Pants with Kid-Proof Knees
Engineers can design bulletproof vests but it’s impossible to make jeans that make it through an afternoon of my son at the playground? I firmly believe that we can upgrade our pants technology after keeping it status quo for hundreds of years. Sure there are more pressing issues in the world, but we all know little kids should grow out of their clothes before wearing them out. Kid-proof pants knees, I want them by Christmas.
Parenting Tools 7: Seatbelt For Eating at the Dining Room Table
What do you do when your child is too old for the booster seat but is allergic to actually sitting down at dinner? It’s like it is physically impossible for them to stay seated for longer than three bites of food. The dinnertime seat belt saves meals and lives!
Parenting Tools 8: Freeze-Frame
How many arguments have you been in the middle of and you just needed a short breather? Exactly. Saved By The Bell was ahead of its time when it introduced Zach Morris calling “timeout” in the middle of a scene. Parents need this ability. Think about it. Everything freezes and you go eat a bowl of ice cream, then go back and solve the fight over what kid gets what book. You might even be able to finish cleaning the house before the first room you cleaned gets messed up again.
Parenting Tools 9: Instant Toddler Hug
As a dad, there is not much that brightens my day more than my son coming over and giving me a big hug. Why not get that feeling all day long? I don’t know how to do it but bottle toddler hugs and they would fly off the shelf. The world would just be a better place.
Editor’s Note: A version of this post previously ran on Beau’s blog Lunchbox Dad.