Nothing says “I’m bringing us out of the emotional recession of raising babies” like using business jargon in the home. Here are some phrase you at-home dads can us with your kids if you intend to run your home the way you ran your Fortune 500 company (And yes, we’re all aware you were at a Fortune 500 company back in like, 1988, Chad).
CEO speak: “I need you to give 110 percent on this.”
WHEN TO USE IT: When your child is just giving the industry-minimum 100 percent, and you know deep in your cold, black heart that a little – precisely 10 percent – more blood, sweat and elbow grease will truly get the second coat of wax on your convertible faster. It’s not enough for your kids to win, they’ve got to remember that sweat is just fear leaving the body.
CEO speak: “That’s a great value-add!”
WHEN TO USE IT: Parents overuse the “good job” compliment. Kids didn’t do jobs. They don’t know what work is. They’ve never had to run reports late into a Friday night while everyone else parties in the city below. Your child is simply adding to the value of the family. You bring home a check, it’s a job. You increase your worth in the family unit, it’s a value-add.
CEO speak: “Let’s circle back …”
WHEN TO USE IT: Obviously, your 3-year-old daughter isn’t understanding the synergy it takes to wash and dry dishes with her brother. She can’t stay focused, and dishes are going back into the cupboard wet. So you let her know that you’ll have to put the dishes on hold for now and you’ll circle back to it later when she’s feeling more refreshed and ready to better serve the team.
CEO speak: “It’s time we get your core competency up to snuff.”
WHEN TO USE IT: Any time you feel like your toddler’s fundamentals are lacking. I mean, there’s snuff, and then there’s your kid. He’s not up to it, the snuff. Whatever that means. In this economy, having core competency means he can step into any role, any time. And thank god, because dinner ain’t gonna cook itself.
CEO speak: “We’ll be on the bleeding edge.”
WHEN TO USE IT: You’ve read all the parenting websites and know the normal child developmental schedules. But you know that with that aforementioned 110 percent, you could get your little one to hit their numbers ahead of schedule. You’ve got to sit her down and let her know that you, as a team, will be on the bleeding edge of childhood development if only she could, say, learn Microsoft PowerPoint by age 3.
CEO speak: “You’re gonna have to hit the ground running.”
WHEN TO USE IT: It’s bad enough that your daughter is in karate. She’s a girl, why does she need to learn to fight, amirite? Anyway, her class ran long because some people got belts or something. So you need a motivational metaphor to let her know that sure, it’s probably not your fault that you’re late, but you can still move this turd of a night through the pipes and get everyone to their cocktail before double digits. Voila.
CEO speak: “This is our best practice.”
WHEN TO USE IT: Don’t be negative with your children. They don’t understand “no.” But they understand what’s best for your family unit, explained in best practices. Sure, you could let your toddler paint inside, but your family’s best practice is to paint outside, where furniture won’t get paint on it. If it’s currently snowing outside, your family’s best practice is to let your kids paint at school. Everything’s got a time and a place.