This weekend marks the unofficial end of summer, and that means the season of returning back to school has begun. You’re probably knee-deep in it already, as New York City is kind of late to the game every year.
It’s finally time to say goodbye to leisurely mornings in which I don’t have to scream at my son to put his shoes on and then sprint to the bus stop. Of course, as my son enters the second grade, I have much bigger concerns than getting out of the house on time.
But first, let’s not pretend the kids going back to school doesn’t have its perks. For one thing, the kids are gone! They’re finally being attended to by someone else for the bulk of the day. Huzzah! Plus, they’re learning things! Although that’s a double-edged sword, as you’ll see:
Back To School Worries for You
- The Drop-off Line – The drop-off gauntlet has insanely complicated rules and insanely power-mad monitors. When combined, this causes massive stress at best and road rage at worst, not to mention I hardly have time to do my makeup so I look like a hot mess in front of those asshole “together” moms who apparently have both Gwyneth Paltrow’s money and Gwyneth Paltrow’s vanity.
- Unvaccinated Kids – GET. YOUR. HEAD. OUT. OF. YOUR. ASS.
- Knowledge Is Power – The more information my son acquires, the more equipped he is to fight back against me and his mom, whether he suddenly knows when we’re lying, or he realizes I don’t actually know everything, or he learns how to make pipe bombs. Kids that know things are a huge hassle; the more he learns, the more formidable an opponent he becomes! Stupid kids are so much better!
- School Supplies – We’ve all seen the parents bemoaning the cost of school supplies, which, sure, it’s annoying. But I saw one mom talking about spending $300 per kid. Hahaha, yeah right. That sounds less like a BTS problem and more like a “I had to get my kids the best of everything” problem. My kid’s getting pre-chewed pencils and last year’s ratty R2-D2 backpack. I’m saving my money for all the beer I’ll be drinking while I try to help with homework.
- Bullies – Hopefully that ratty backpack won’t be an invitation to bullies, who inexplicably still exist (thanks, Trump!). I hope my son can dodge the bully bullet because I have no idea what I’m supposed to do about it.
- Common Core – I get Common Core. I understand the methodology behind it, and why it’s useful. But when I went to school, it wasn’t a thing, and I don’t know how it works, and therefore I am unable to help my kid with his homework. Which is good for me, and bad for him.
- Birthday Parties – The obligation parents have to invite every single kid in class to their kids’ birthdays is the worst. Not only do I not want to have to throw some elaborate birthday party for 50 people, I don’t want to be invited to every single birthday party that goes down from September to June. Stop being so polite! You’re ruining my life.
- Allergies – Terrifying.
- School Politics – Whether it’s arguments over bake sales or room supplies or birthday parties, controversy always springs up during the school year. Usually it’s because there are a few moms and dads with sticks up their asses. Ugh, parents are the worst. Here’s hoping I don’t need to shove anything else up there this year!
I haven’t even mentioned parent-teacher conferences or grades or field trips or sick days. And my kid is only a second grader! Something tells me my back to school list is going to get a lot longer in coming years.
A version of this first appeared on Dad and Buried. “Back to School” photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash
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