Editor’s Note: We’re digging into our ample archives to find some great articles you might have missed over the years. This one comes from 2014.
Yesterday I stopped by CVS and went through their seasonal clearance items, and came home with something I thought my 2-year-old daughter would be bananas over. It’s a yellow plastic cylinder, like the base of a flashlight, with a clear egg-shaped top made to look like a bee. When you press a button, the insides of the egg spin causing lights to flash and the whole thing to buzz and quiver. The toy cost 62 cents or approximately what it cost to make.
Sienna squealed with glee and I smiled because I’d made my daughter happy.
“Ear!” she shouted, eyes gleaming with fascination at this new sensation tickling her skin. She pressed the buzzing bee to her earlobe. “Nose! Arm! Elbow! Head!”
“Wait until your bedroom’s dark,” I said excitedly. “It’ll light up blue and green and yellow and red! Do you like how it vibrates?”
And then my innocently meant words hit me in an entirely different context.
I looked at the shape of the thing. The bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz sound echoed in my ears.
:: facepalm ::
To all you new or soon-to-be parents out there, letting these dirty things slip out of your mouth isn’t an abnormal thing. You’re all going to say something really simple only to do a double take as it sinks in that you’ve said a simple phrase you’ve happened to associate with Skinemaxian entertainment for the past decade or two.
At first, you’ll blush.
Then you’ll giggle.
Soon you and your partner will race to say, “That’s what she/he said!”
And finally, as your child gets older, and you and your partner try not to laugh at what one of you just said, you’re just going to do the old facepalm.
So I present to you the seven funniest phrases (plus one bonus Q&A that had my wife and I on the floor) I’ve said to my daughter that, when taken out of context, means something entirely different in the bedroom:
Dirty Things I’ve Said to My Child
No. 1: “Do you like how it vibrates?”
No. 2: “Please swallow!” and “Don’t spit! Swallow!”
The first time I said this (while trying to get my daughter to eat dinner) I literally cringed until I caught my wife’s eye and saw her trying so hard not to laugh. Then I just laughed along and went with it.
No. 3: “The girl was so wet, she was dripping.”
Ah, those fluctuating pre-air conditioner spring days when you put your kid down for a nap and discover her all sweaty and disgusting because her room was about 80 degrees.
No. 4: “You need to suck harder.”
Teaching my daughter how to use a straw. My wife beat me to “That’s what he said!”
No. 5: “She’s so cute, I just want to eat her.”
Can’t remember when or why I said it, but does it matter? When those words come out of your mouth, translate into adult connotations, and you realize you’re talking about your daughter? :: shiver ::
No. 6: “Did you just put that whole thing in your mouth?!”
After Sienna gobbled an entire string cheese without chewing forcing her cheeks to look like she’d been gathering nuts for the winter.
No. 7: “Stop playing with your balls!”
Doesn’t really apply to a girl, but it still generated a sideways look between me and my wife. Parents of boys are sure to love saying that one for the first time!
BONUS: One thing new and soon-to-be parents might not know is that kids sometimes take time to learn how to use their tongues correctly (:: facepalm::) meaning that the letter “L” often gives them trouble. Hence, I bring you the following interaction that had our daughter standing with such a gloriously proud and pure look on her face:
Me: “Sienna, what do you want for dinner?”
Sienna, pointing at the wall clock: “C*ck”
What can we parents do but cackle?