1. Hugs with the Wife
This isn’t so bad. But it always involves your kid sprinting toward you at full speed, which almost always involves a head slamming into your crotch.
2. Your Plans
Having kids both robs your life of spontaneity and makes planning things impossible. Because kids don’t do anything with forethought; they are spontaneity made flesh. Sometimes that involves spontaneous tantrums, sometimes it involves spontaneous vomit. Hopefully it involves spontaneous laughter. It definitely involves spontaneous headaches.
I’m not sure if I can call this an interruption when my son mostly just makes it last forever.
4. Your Favorite TV Shows
This is particularly galling, since any time I make a peep during “Scooby Doo” my son yells that he can’t hear it. Hey kid, I can tell you the plot of every single episode right now: Shaggy’s stoned, Velma loses her glasses, someone’s pretending to be a monster. Repeat.
I think he hates us.
6. Your Peace and Quiet
Whoever called it “the pitter-patter of little feet” was a lying bastard.
8. Your Flight
Aww, he hates you too! Believe me, I want him to shut up as much as you do. But it’s his flight, too.
Typically by screaming, “What? What did you say? What are you saying?” the entire time his mom and I attempt to conduct one. If I’m being generous, I refer to this as curiosity.
10. Your Happiness
Or what you used to think it was. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
The most annoying part? Even with these constant interruptions, my son will never interrupt the stuff I could actually use a break from. Like work. Or awkward cold calls I accidentally answer. Or when my wife puts on show tunes. Well, he does interrupt those, if dancing and singing along with them counts.
I know. It doesn’t.
A version of this first appeared on Dad and Buried.